If you’ve spent some time on this blog then you probably know that the end goal is world domination. What might surprise you however is how long this plan has been in motion. See, when I was a kid we had a giant picture of Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya’s first president, hanging somewhere. Kenyans know the one. The iconic image with the fly whisk.
Now I didn’t know who he was exactly and I certainly didn’t know he was dead at the time. But, because I was a stubborn child who refused to ask questions when I could make my own (horribly uninformed) conclusions, I decided he was the world ruler. Why else would we have a picture of him? Solid reasoning, right? And in a moment of childlike confidence I declared that I would take his job. It was a vow I took very seriously as you can see:
As it turned out the entire office of world ruler was unoccupied so (sadly) I don’t have to unseat anybody. But (again, sadly) I do need you people to actually get the office. Dictatorship ain’t what it used to be. So i (not really) humbly come bearing gifts.
- A GUILT TRIP
Look at the hope in that child’s eyes. Do you want to crush it? Are you trying to get in the way of that dream? Do you dance in a field upon the forgotten corpses of children’s hopes?
If not then support our domination. Vote for us here.
- A POWER PLAY
In case you’re a heartless bastard and you’re not swayed by any of that then consider this. You, our readers are coming with us. When we establish our class system, you’ll be the party members, the aristocracy, the Shogun, the Brahmin etc.
If you want to bathe in the tears of your enemies, Vote here.
- BLACK MAIL
In case guilt or the promise of power aren’t your cup of tea, consider this. We know how you got here. You heard me. We know what you were googling that somehow landed you on this site.
Be it your strange desire to see cartoons misbehaving
-Marvel comics sex
-thumbellina frogo porn
-spongebob flipping off
Or you were accidentally trying to find Vaseline.com (which raises the questions. Why? How did that even lead you here? And Why? Bulk purchase?)
Or the 69 (har har) of you that were looking for a man in a diaper
We know! And if you don’t vote for us. Well…I trust you’ll do the right thing
PS: I really wish I was making up those stats. And those are the tame ones. I love you dear readers, but y’all are messed up people. Which is why you should support your own. Do not feed the bloggers for best creative writing blog. We promise really useful corruption.
1. They’re going to lose
Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on world domination schemes (Actually I do, but that aside) but really, who has a worse plan than the illuminati? Anyone who sits down, looks at the situation, makes a plan to take over the world and says “you know who would really help us with this? Lady gaga!” is going to fail!
I mean, its Lady-friggin-Gaga!
When they fail, they cant even blame her. That’s like criticizing Stevie Wonder for not maintaining eye contact.
2. They’re role models.
Part of the lineup is Jay Z, Beyonce, Rihanna and Kanye…to mention a few.
So what you’re saying is, this society ran by rich old white powerful big wigs is hiring black people and women into prominent positions? That’s a first. Something major corporations could learn from dontcha think? Holy crap, these guys just need better marketing.
3. They pay well
Now, I can’t confirm this…but I hear they pay well for good PR. If someone was to write an article about how theyre not so bad and make people fear them less they are supposedly very very generous. Not that I’d know anything about that. Cough cough