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Posts tagged “World domination

To World Domination

If you’ve spent some time on this blog then you probably know that the end goal is world domination. What might surprise you however is how long this plan has been in motion. See, when I was a kid we had a giant picture of Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya’s first president, hanging somewhere. Kenyans know the one. The iconic image with the fly whisk.

Now I didn’t know who he was exactly and I certainly didn’t know he was dead at the time. But, because I was a stubborn child who refused to ask questions when I could make my own (horribly uninformed) conclusions, I decided he was the world ruler. Why else would we have a picture of him? Solid reasoning, right? And in a moment of childlike confidence I declared that I would take his job. It was a vow I took very seriously as you can see:

Your king has arrived

Your king has arrived

As it turned out the entire office of world ruler was unoccupied so (sadly) I don’t have to unseat anybody. But (again, sadly) I do need you people to actually get the office. Dictatorship ain’t what it used to be. So i (not really) humbly come bearing gifts.

  1. A GUILT TRIP

Look at the hope in that child’s eyes. Do you want to crush it? Are you trying to get in the way of that dream? Do you dance in a field upon the forgotten corpses of children’s hopes?

If not then support our domination. Vote for us here.

 

  1. A POWER PLAY

In case you’re a heartless bastard and you’re not swayed by any of that then consider this. You, our readers are coming with us. When we establish our class system, you’ll be the party members, the aristocracy, the Shogun, the Brahmin etc.

If you want to bathe in the tears of your enemies, Vote here.

 

  1. BLACK MAIL

In case guilt or the promise of power aren’t your cup of tea, consider this. We know how you got here. You heard me. We know what you were googling that somehow landed you on this site.

Be it your strange desire to see cartoons misbehaving

-Marvel comics sex

-thumbellina frogo porn

-spongebob flipping off

Or you were accidentally trying to find Vaseline.com (which raises the questions. Why? How did that even lead you here? And Why? Bulk purchase?)

Or the 69 (har har) of you that were looking for a man in a diaper

We know! And if you don’t vote for us. Well…I trust you’ll do the right thing

PS: I really wish I was making up those stats. And those are the tame ones. I love you dear readers, but y’all are messed up people. Which is why you should support your own. Do not feed the bloggers for best creative writing blog. We promise really useful corruption.

 


Rise of the minions

Here’s what you need to understand about bloggers, they don’t really live in reality. In their own little environment they consider themselves something akin to rock stars. Every time you read a blog post, what you see are words and (hopefully) a nice way to pass the time. What the blogger sees is a stage and rabid fans clamoring for new material. Something like this.

Calm down my people

Calm down my people

Assuming you read a lot of blogs you know this isn’t the case. You read, you chuckle, you might even laugh out loud but that’s pretty much it. At least, that’s pretty much it until you come here, to DNFTB. That’s when the boobs (And manboobs) are flashed and the shrill screams come out, because let’s face it, we’re amazing.

Remarkable as we are, there are still some hold outs among you. Some of you are screaming but you’re still fully dressed and you’re not trying to sneak in back stage with us. Most of you readers will find this news shocking but its true. These hold outs exist. I’m here to fix that with a few announcements.

1)      We have a new look

You may have already noticed the new header.  That’s the black and white (and red), despicable me inspired style we’re going to run with for a while. Could there be a more apt comparison? Me as Gru, the other bloggers as my minions on our quest for world domination. It practically made itself.

Catch it. Quick

Catch it. Quick!

2)      We’re social

See our Facebook page and our Twitter page for more regular updates from the crew.

3)      The big finish

Now you may be reading all this and saying…”cool, but I’m not ready to be a groupie just yet. Tempting but…I’m still a hold out for now.” Look at your browsers address bar for a second. Did you look? Do you see a WordPress anywhere? Of course you don’t. We’re dot com bitch! Oh…what was that? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you over the sound of our boundless awesomeness. What’s that? You’re saying you’re a lifelong groupie now? Of course you are. Of course you are. Welcome to the dark side.

Welcome to the dark side

Welcome to the dark side


Why Not to Fear the Illuminati

1. They’re going to lose

Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on world domination schemes (Actually I do, but that aside) but really, who has a worse plan than the illuminati? Anyone who sits down, looks at the situation, makes a plan to take over the world and says “you know who would really help us with this? Lady gaga!” is going to fail!
I mean, its Lady-friggin-Gaga!

Poker face?

When they fail, they cant even blame her. That’s like criticizing Stevie Wonder for not maintaining eye contact.

2. They’re role models.

Part of the lineup is Jay Z, Beyonce, Rihanna and Kanye…to mention a few.
So what you’re saying is, this society ran by rich old white powerful big wigs is hiring black people and women into prominent positions? That’s a first. Something major corporations could learn from dontcha think? Holy crap, these guys just need better marketing.

Illuminati: leading the way past racism and sexism.

3. They pay well

Now, I can’t confirm this…but I hear they pay well for good PR. If someone was to write an article about how theyre not so bad and make people fear them less they are supposedly very very generous. Not that I’d know anything about that. Cough cough