As a red-blooded, heterosexual, misogynist male, I have been busy scoping out chicks’ asses, hips, waists and breasts. It’s not because I want to mind you. It’s because society expects me to. I’m just a victim of my conditioning. I can’t help it.
With the disclaimer out of the way, I have been noticing a lot of parasite-bearing ladies happily flaunting their distended bellies everywhere. It’s seems that spawning time is almost upon us and a new crop of leeches will be loosed on humanity i.e. lots of heavily pregnant women be waddling around.
Now, while I lament their misplaced joy at bringing new life in the world, I have been noticing that my troublesome 2nd brain twitches when the women are in sight going, “You know you wouldn’t mind gutting that fish.” And I go “Dammit penis! I don’t need a new perversion to add to my CV!”
But it has a point. I’m more than a bit curious at stabbing the cat of a heavily pregnant, about-to-break-their-water kind of woman. First of all, the mechanics alone would be worth it. Missionary suddenly becomes a maneuver on par with handling nuclear material. If I jackhammer with abandon like a horny rabbit, is there a real chance of inducing a premature birth?
And if the baby can hear all the soothing sounds of classical music while in the womb, will it also be privy to the sounds of it’s mother bumping uglies? Science, I NEED TO KNOW!
Can I punch a baby if I fist the mother hard enough? Will I feel the soft head cave-in as I tickle the lady’s g-spot? How far would my arm have to travel to accomplish that? And would it heighten her pleasure? (See, ladies! With me, it’s all about you! 😉 )
How about 69’ing? Can the body even contort and stretch over that huge hump to get to the gash? Or is that simply a pipe dream at that stage of gestation?
I don’t know if it’s just sexual curiosity that’s the cause of my new found re-evaluation of the baby ejectors, or my maturity as a person (hehehe) that has allowed me to take notice of their attractiveness. But this is a venture that has to be explored at some point in time. Something else to add to the bucket list, along with setting fire to dog’s balls and wearing a suit of bees.
Like most of the male population, I find women a mystery. But nothing about women, especially black women, is more mysterious than matters related to hair. I mean, hours at the salon? What are they REALLY doing? What could possibly take that long? And most importantly, what are those alien pod things for? Is the woman below not in an alien craft about to get her mind wiped?
Alien technology aside, I have come to learn that this hair mystery runs even deeper than I assumed. It all started when I was talking to one of my best friends and the conversation went something like this.
Her: Wait a second. Natural? Did you just say your girlfriend has natural hair?
Me: Um…yes. Natural.
Her: That floozie! That absolute witch! (Due to the shakiness of the skype connection I cannot be completely sure that she said “witch”) I cannot believe that you’re dating a traitor!
Me: Whoa! A traitor? What’s the big deal?
Her: Whats the big deal? WHATS THE BIG DEAL!? First they started their war on fake boobs, then they attacked make up …and now they’re after my hair! My precious hair! I can’t even…and you’re DATING THEM!
Me: Them? I am not….
Her: Don’t defend yourself. You want me to be a flat chested, acne filled, frizzy haired girl is that it?
Me: Now, wait a second…
Her: Its that girlfriend of yours isn’t it? She’s jealous isn’t she?
Now I’m going to break off the conversation here for my personal safety. I shall simply tell you when it became about hair again. Apparently, natural and “unnatural(?)” hair is not just about the hair. No, it’s way deeper. See, it’s about politics and religion. Confused? It’s about women, thats only to be expected. I’ll break down how it works.
The “unnatural” movement is apparently political. It’s a pro-colonial movement. I shall quote her here.
“The unnatural movement says, I am pro-colonialism. It screams, I love you Europeanses (yes, that’s what she said) and I want my hair to reflect how cool you all are. I mimic you and say, Return and control me Europeanses.”
Me: So, you don’t have natural hair because…you support colonialism.
Her: Yes, the Europeanses are our friends.
So that’s that. And natural hair? This is the breakdown.
“Natural hair is a religious movement. They draw their inspiration from the Swahili-bantu proverb “akili ni nywele” (her Swahili is laughable by the way. You know how all those tourists try their hand at some Swahili words? Its worse. Way way worse). It means intelligence is in the hair (that’s not what it means….not really). They believe their natural hair gives them knowledge and wisdom. It is to be worshiped. You will hear about how they “discovered themselves” since they went natural. How they see things clearly now and how unworthy us unbelievers are. (insert spitting sound here) the HEATHENS!”
And there you have it. What a girls hair says about her political and religious affiliations. All from a very credible source to. Girls are weird huh? The more you know.
Today morning, I did something dangerous. Something filled with deception, trickery and attempted espionage. I almost lost. Almost…but you know me, always prepared for the worst. What did I do you ask. Grocery Shopping! As every man knows, our minds are not made for such tricky activities. We’re not genetically engineered to spot the wide array of tricks grocery stores employ. Women have developed instincts over the centuries that we men are sorely lacking (like sandwich making). Grocery shopping is one of those.
Now, those among you who have never tried it probably think, how bad can it be. I’ll tell you how bad. I was looking down at the shopping list and it said pineapples, I reached out for one and AHA! I spotted the trick. See, if I wasn’t sharp, I would’ve totally missed it. See for yourself.
Do you see it? A devious trap is it not. For the uneducated male eye, those are not pineapples as the sign so deceitfully suggests. They’re mangoes. I’d pay to see the shocked look on your faces right now. Didn’t see it at first did you. The level of malice and trickery in this place has no bounds. It slinks right beneath the lowest bar of humanity. Should you attempt to buy an orange… Bam! Look closely. I don’t even know what that is!
Their evil goes far beyond that my dear friends. Should you happen to annoy your wife and need to rush in and buy flowers, you’ll find a bouquet right near the door….or will you?
Take that to your angry spouse and see how well it goes.
In other grocery-conspiracy unrelated news, I have been gone from the blog for a while but I bring interesting news. I’m sure you think of us bloggers as the dregs of the author community, especially here on do not feed the bloggers and you’re mostly right but every now and then we actually do some serious work. Recently I entered he story moja writing contest. See here. And I came in second place, you can read my story here.
As for now. Goodbye losers
Mankind has been puzzled by a mystery of biblical proportions for the greater part of the 21st century. Philosophers, Intellectuals, Great thinkers and the occasional lunatic have all tackled, and failed to come up with a proper answer to, the great question of this age. Theories, hypotheses and just plain musings have only guessed at what it could possibly be. And so; men, listen up as I, the great guru, tackle this question. What the hell do women keep in the handbags anyway?
Firstly, im sure you’ve noticed that on average handbags are too big to carry anything you’d actually need on a day to day basis. And any man who’s ever had to hold one, for one reason or another will tell you its way too heavy to want to carry on a day to day basis…unless, there was some hideous secret that needed to be kept handy at all times, by almost all women.
Lets walk through this, look at the picture below.
It quickly becomes clear that, among womankind, it is “ok” and “Acceptable” to carry around animals in a handbag . BUT….that’s not a big bag. What kind of monstrosity would fit in a bag like this:
Could it be that women are actually training attack pitbulls and have found a portable way to carry them around for some feminist gender war, coming soon? That the reason their bags get bigger as they grow older is because their war hounds are growing as well? Many would say, “that’s horribly unrealistic”; And they’re absolutely right. you know why? Because they’re thinking too small.
Feminists have often claimed the world is screwed up because of men. Can you blame them? crime, war, slavery, terrorism, you name it. if men didn’t start it, then they dominate it anyway. And so, handbags are the warning shot from women saying “HEY….we want a slice of the action too. We want in”
Women are tired, completely tired, of having to play second fiddle to men when it comes to being criminals. I agree with them. Its completely insensitive and sexist for men to think they can be the bad guys all the time…see that “bad GUYS”, total sexism. Women can be bad “people” too.
So how do handbags come into this. As a man, can you carry an assault rifle, a bazooka, a couple of grenades, all with a dog, some make up and lip balm to top it off in you wallet? I think not. Do you see how prepared they all are?
Some skeptic is probably sitting there wondering. If this is all true, then why haven’t we seen oprah kick down a steel door pull out an rpg and rob a bank? Why hasn’t Beyonce been arrested for domestic violence in a case where she beat up Jay z with a golf club (from her bag) and left him bleeding in the moonlight? Its simple, women like planning out the little details. And bombs are a huge part of the plan….until they can get bombs to work, then no plan. Why don’t the bombs work? Obviously, explosions and make-up have been found to not mix very well, even at a distance. Until the new explosive proof cosmetics are out, we’re safe.