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Posts tagged “Technology

One Person’s Dead Is Another Person’s Love

Do not look at me as a prophet of doom for the words I’m about to say. Rather, I reveal the deep truths that we refuse to admit even to ourselves.

SCIENCE HAS FAILED US! How you might ask? Simple. We don’t have robot sex dolls.

I would be more than justified in using this space to bemoan the pathetic state of our sciences and our scholars and our technology, but I’m just not that kind of guy. I’m the kind of guy who thinks beyond his present circumstances and tries to solve the problems that he’s presented with. And there’s only one obvious solution to this dire situation: Necrophilia.

It really is the perfect blend of human contact without the inconvenience of human interaction. Our techniques of human preservation mean that bodies can be maintained in pristine condition after death for a long time. And all it’ll take to get corpses flexible again after rigor mortis is a few strategically placed metal joints. And if you think that is impossible, think of the artificial joints surgeries all over the world that replace knees, elbows and hips. It’s only a small step to doing the same to the dead. It’ll actually be cheaper since you don’t have to worry about anaesthesia and quality of (after)life.

And for all those with petty moral concerns, GET OVER YOURSELVES! You want to deny hundreds of people the joys of having a human sex partner with no demands of their own! What kind of monsters are you!? Yes the partners might be dead, but that’s better than the nothing that those people currently have. It’s not like these corpses will be diverted from some critical function. In fact, we’d actually be using them to bring even more happiness to the world. And I’m sure that if it’s one thing our loved ones would like to know they brought to this world even after their passing, it’s happiness.

Don’t bury or cremate your loved ones. Instead, donate their body to that sexless friend or frustrated who you know could use some good lovin’. In the immortal words of Michael Jackson, you’ll be doing your part to heal the world, to make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.

 


For the kids

I think its no secret that this generations children are unflinchingly and frighteningly stupid! “Goodness” i hear some of you cry, “you’re not going to attack the children are you?” Yes i am! In the past even if a child wasn’t the sharpest knife in the serial killers bag, they were at least entertaining. Getting up to no good and doing things that kept us all amused like getting their head stuck between rails. They were walking stories. Now, there’s no story to be had from a child spending 14 plus hrs on an ipod and on facebook. If the child is going to be so unfortunate as to be a little dim i expect to get a few bloody laughs from the whole situation. No such luck. How unfortunate this is for society, not only are our children getting dimmer, they’re also boring. That, my friends, is too much to just take lying down.

See, we were smarter because of one underlying difference. We didn’t have ipods, phones, the internet and a bunch of other stuff. Which means we had to actually try to have fun. It required us to be startlingly creative. Our range of things to have fun with was so drab that we had such a blast is an ode to our vast intelligence. Our pastimes as little kids included such cutting edge playthings like dirt, the ever versatile stick and smuggled chalk from class. Sure later on we had marbles, skipping ropes et cetera et cetera but early on you dealt with a few toys and a whole lot of mother nature. These kids don’t understand the mystery of “pg-13” movies and having the kindergarten hustler who had a couple of them at the price of your school lunch to try see what all the fuss was about. They never had to make ridiculous boasts they didnt understand to their astonished peers of the likes of “yes, last night, i had a big sex” *insert multiple little gasps here*

I, your humble and ever helpful blogger, have a solution. To help this generation recover the creativity it has lost. i present, “The Milk Test”

The milk test is a simple measure that may just save our future. There’s not much to it. You take a kid, preferably to some rural area, and present to the child…a cow.You point to the cow and tell the child they can have lunch as soon as they get some milk from the damn thing. Now this is the genius part, you hand the child a set of tools to do this. The first few should be useful to the task, a pail, a milking stool….the usual stuff. The next set is there to throw them off, an ipod, a phone and something else irrelevant, be creative. The last group of tools is designed to totally confuse the young mind. a pair of shears, an axe, matches and a stick of dynamite.

I have taken it upon myself to document the expected result in ascending order of performance.

1. Youll end up with a cow that has learned to make some sort of response, to Drake or Nikki Minaj, from the ipod. Not a total loss, itll entertain someone on youtube at best. No milk though. Grade – F

2. Your child will injure themselves. Harmed by a cow. Injury by the axe. Dynamite burns etc. hospital bills, possible law suit…but your child is fairly competent. Be proud. Grade – E

3. The cow will be injured. At least the child was smart enough not to get hurt. Grade- D-

4. The child will call someone, probably one of their friends, get some instructions and proceed to make a mess of things. Resourceful. Grade- D

5. The child will call someone who knows something, an Uncle or Aunt and proceed with the expertise of a civilian diffusing a complex bomb while someone is yelling instructions at them from 20 floors below. Slightly better results Grade- D+

6. If anything is the mark of this generation, it’s Google. Another mark of course, is messing up googled instructions. Grade- C-

7. The child may shave the cow with the shears to teach you a lesson. Acceptable. Sticking it to authority is a useful life skill. Grade- C

8. The child may reason “i want milk… the milk is in the cow…i have an axe.” This is wrong, but points awarded for the use of logical steps, or steps at any rate Grade- C+

9. Manages to accomplish the task. Gets milk. Grade- B-

10. Bribes someone with the extra phone given as a tool to do task for them. Devious Grade- B

11. Child is a genius, manages to make cow automatically “give” milk in response to certain songs. Grade- B+

12. Child milks cow and through yet undocumented use of dynamite manages to make a healthy helping of charred beef for lunch Grade- A-

13. *See step 12* and also uses axe to cut beef into steaks. Grade- A

But wait…how will this teach them anything. I admit, it probably wont. But we will all be highly entertained, and that, my good friends, is what truly matters.


Magic Bills and Hell’s Gates

Here’s something a lot of you don’t know, I got to meet with Bill Gates recently. Some of you may not believe that, but you can’t prove it’s not true so you’ll have to take my (very trustable) word for it. In fact; do you honestly believe I would lie just to set up my blog post?

Now where was i? Oh yes, Bill Gates. The conversation went somewhat like this.

“Welcome to Microsoft kid, you’re here for that college trip thing right?”

“Uh…”(I wasn’t, but what the hell. It could turn out he could go all Oprah and give away stuff.) “Why yes I am”

“Come along then. Let me show you how we make Windows”

“What? Isn’t that just a bunch of people sitting around computers? How is that interesting?”

“Hahaha. There’s a few surprises you won’t expect…and here we are, the Windows department”

“Are you sure?”

“I am Bill Gates aren’t I?”

“But, theres no computers here”

“So?”

“Are those witch doctors?”

“Yup”

“Dancing around a disc?”

“Yes, that would be Windows 8 in production”

“Is…is he rattling a sheep’s head at it…”

“A goat head actually, but that’s nitpicking.”

“But that’s not how you make software”

“How would you know? We ran out of code years ago. Since no one knew how it worked anyway, we turned to witchcraft. More efficient that way. Hold up…step back, watch out for the fire”

“Fire? what fir…..wow, that almost burnt me. What the hell was that?”

“Not hell, the devil”

“what?”

“Well, the devil’s part of Microsoft now, managed to steal him from Google. We now own the exclusive rights to hell, and the devil. We had to sacrifice that MS word paper clip to him, but I think it was worth it”

“The devil?”

“Yes”

“Satan?”

“yes”

“Beelzee…”

“STOP! He doesn’t like that name. but yes. Never wondered why Vista was so goddamned evil?”

“oh yeah, I guess that makes sense”

Well, there was more to that, but ive got to say, the devils a pretty funny guy. He promised to show me how to turn facebook from blue to red. Wicked! (no pun intended).But I hope you learnt something from this post. Your computer works on magic. So does Google. And good old Bill, also known as the new CEO of hell assured me that the nice administrators of WordPress are actually chicken sacrificing magicians who thrive on words. Isn’t technology wonderful?