We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Posts tagged “Sexuality

Loving The Preggies

As a red-blooded, heterosexual, misogynist male, I have been busy scoping out chicks’ asses, hips, waists and breasts. It’s not because I want to mind you. It’s because society expects me to. I’m just a victim of my conditioning. I can’t help it.

With the disclaimer out of the way, I have been noticing a lot of parasite-bearing ladies happily flaunting their distended bellies everywhere. It’s seems that spawning time is almost upon us and a new crop of leeches will be loosed on humanity i.e. lots of heavily pregnant women be waddling around.

Now, while I lament their misplaced joy at bringing new life in the world, I have been noticing that my troublesome 2nd brain twitches when the women are in sight going, “You know you wouldn’t mind gutting that fish.” And I go “Dammit penis! I don’t need a new perversion to add to my CV!”

But it has a point. I’m more than a bit curious at stabbing the cat of a heavily pregnant, about-to-break-their-water kind of woman. First of all, the mechanics alone would be worth it. Missionary suddenly becomes a maneuver on par with handling nuclear material. If I jackhammer with abandon like a horny rabbit, is there a real chance of inducing a premature birth?


And if the baby can hear all the soothing sounds of classical music while in the womb, will it also be privy to the sounds of it’s mother bumping uglies? Science, I NEED TO KNOW!

Can I punch a baby if I fist the mother hard enough? Will I feel the soft head cave-in as I tickle the lady’s g-spot? How far would my arm have to travel to accomplish that? And would it heighten her pleasure? (See, ladies! With me, it’s all about you! 😉 )

How about 69’ing? Can the body even contort and stretch over that huge hump to get to the gash? Or is that simply a pipe dream at that stage of gestation?

I don’t know if it’s just sexual curiosity that’s the cause of my new found re-evaluation of the baby ejectors, or my maturity as a person (hehehe) that has allowed me to take notice of their attractiveness. But this is a venture that has to be explored at some point in time. Something else to add to the bucket list, along with setting fire to dog’s balls and wearing a suit of bees.

An Honest Discussion About Sexuality

Unrelated: Written while listening to http://i.mixcloud.com/CCLCdn

As a society, we judge too harshly when it comes to matters of the carnal nature. What 2 or 3 or 500 consenting adults get up to behind closed doors and in front of a few cameras on the internet is their business and theirs alone. But even in this area, progress, while slow, is definitely evident everyday. There’s even a hope that one day Catholic priests might actually move on from altar boys to maybe choir girls.

But a completely ignored segment of sexuality is inter-species love. I’m talking about the much (wrongly) maligned zoophilia.

I don’t understand why we can call animals our pals and best friends and our confidants, but we can’t take it to the next logical conclusion? Obviously feelings will grow and blossom into full blown intimacy. And it’s already hard enough to find love, why limit yourself to genetic compatibility?

And what about when sex becomes boring? Role-play and toys can only go so far? Sometimes you have to take it to the next level to get that excitement. And if this upstanding lady interviewed by Vice.com is to be trusted, then limiting yourself to just humanity for erotic pleasure is not only silly, but we’re missing out economically.


Instead of vilifying these individuals, why don’t we at the very least be open minded about new experiences and not immediately judge these folks as deviants. It’s not too long ago that any position beyond missionary was deemed evil and improper. Even now, no matter how right the majority know it is, inter-tribal and interracial marriages still carry some stigma.

Lest we be judged as savages by future generations, we should do cheer on those who refuse to be complacent and push the boundaries of our sexual frontier, looking for love and satisfaction in places only few will dare go. These are our sexual pioneers and our future heroes.

NOTE: If you really want to know why I wrote this whole thing (you don’t, trust me) click here.

Why I’m Not A Horrible Human Being: The Debut

It’s been a while since I’ve put fingers to keys to craft written drivel for imagined hordes of my fans to fawn over. In a bid to remedy this situation, and to make sure that there is some sort of regular content to keep my beloved masses coming back , I’m starting a feature to convince y’all why I’m not such a bad person to get to know. It will be updated every [time period of my choice to be added later], so you can look forward to seeing this often.

To kick this off, I’ll be talking to a topic that I’ve had close and intimate relations with.



Do Not Be Afraid Of The Professionals

All you bleeding heart liberals, self-proclaimed defenders of the honor of women everywhere, those who feel that any unsavory depiction of women is a personal attack against them, all of you, male or female, get the sand out of your vaginas/manginas before you read this.

I’ve been listening to a lot of weird and frankly disgusting depictions of men having sex with women or things approximating that, not with other men. Ah, the sacrifices I make for the sake of this blog (not really, this all just for my juvenile humor). And a conclusion was reached that all in all it might not be that horrendously offensive to engage in lewd sexual antics with a paid professional rather than do the nasty with stanky ass slut.

When I say slut, I mean the kind of woman who will give it up anywhere, anyhow, anyway you want it for no reason. This is not to suggest that women who enjoy sex often get this title. This is for those who will jump off with anything that asks, just to get off.

These nasty bitches probably have several kids have indeterminable parentage. Then think about the all the infections that come from the reckless abandon with which they approach sex. They might be wild and exciting but so is a game of russian roulette, doesn’t mean you should play it.

But having sex with someone who does it for a living is not as dangerous as it might seem. Of course, cheap can be expensive, so make sure you only go for quality. Knowing what threatens your livelihood (and life) means that prostitutes are very proactive when it comes to safe sex.

Prostitutes also know more turns and tricks than anyone has a right to. You get the best treatment that money can buy. They can jerk and jive and shimmy and twist and twirl in ways no one but gymnasts can achieve.

And let’s face the truth. If you going to prostitutes is looking like the better option, then they are probably the hottest chicks (or dudes. I don’t discriminate) that you’re ever going to bang. With exotic imports from all over the world available, you can be getting off with rated 10 chicks instead of the rated 3 that you can get, at best.

Don’t be afraid. Check in to a whore near you (see what I did there?) and enjoy the first, second and even third cumming. You could even foursquare it to help your other depraved and deprived pals. Just make sure to wash off. And it’s not as if you wouldn’t pay for the slut’s dinner and ride home.

NB: If you’re finding trouble find a professional, just check for massage parlours in the classifieds of the daily newspapers that put emphasis on their hot masseurs.