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Posts tagged “joke

Loving Your Family

For this special 100th Do Not Feed The Bloggers post, I will let the sap and romantic in me come out.

Love is a beautiful thing. It makes food taste, air smell sweeter, drinks go down smoother. It makes your feet lighter and your work easier. TV is more entertaining and your heart swells with every song that is played on the radio. Love makes the most annoying, irritating waste of space person easier to deal with.

This can be the love of a girlfriend/boyfriend, the love of a mother for her infant, the love of a father playing with his son, the love of two siblings rough-housing. Even the love a pet has for its owner can make a hard day’s worry just melt away.

But in only one of these cases is the bond allowed to be affirmed in a deeper and more meaningful way. In the other cases, all the emotion that the parties feel can only be spoken and not made as deep as possible. I have already spoken about the case of a man and his pet. Now that leaves only the assertion of that love between people in the same family. Of course, I’m talking about the much maligned incest.

Why is it so taboo for two people who love each other to express themselves through that beautiful physical poetry that is depraved, balls-draining, body shaking wild monkey sex just because they happen to have been born in the same family? I’m not some sicko who says that they should be allowed to have kids, coz the science of birth defects cannot be denied. All I’m saying is that they should be allowed to do the nasty.

Who better than a mother to initiate the son into the world of sex and female sensuality? Only she can have the time and patience to train him and see him past his nervousness. The son can have absolute trust that this one person will not make fun of his dick size and will actually give him pointers that will help him to satisfy the women who will later appear in his life. Imagine how much easier sex and life in general would have been with your mom riding you to like a rodeo bronco every week. There could be no awkwardness with morning wood coz she would just suck it off and get you ready for the day in no time.

Your father touching finger-banging you in the bath tub should be every girl’s coming of age story. If a father cannot show his daughter that there is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to sex, no one else can. A dad can love his daughter whatever her features or her proportions. He will take the time to give her maximum pleasure so that her first time is a pleasant memory she can cherish. She shouldn’t have to suffer the awkward petting and frantic thrusting of an inexperienced young boy when a man is right there to do the job.

A siblings can share their journey of sexual discovery, learning together and adding to the many fun moments of growing up. The fun of mutual handies and carpet munching can ensure closeness with your brother and/or sister. Think of the closeness of a family that has regular Sunday orgies after their sit-down lunch together. Sex is the one thing EVERYONE in the family can enjoy.

This is the reason why me and my girlfriend get along. I treat her exactly like I would my sister were I not hampered by social conditioning and societal hangups. She is not my best friend but my sibling. My sister who does not bother to hide her flaws and her farts. My sister who I just happen to be bawlz deep in.

It’s just too cruel that this has been sealed away for only the bold outcasts to enjoy. I can only hope that it’ll one day change for future generations. When that day arrives, we can all enjoy a touching family moment such as this one.


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An Honest Discussion About Sexuality

Unrelated: Written while listening to http://i.mixcloud.com/CCLCdn

As a society, we judge too harshly when it comes to matters of the carnal nature. What 2 or 3 or 500 consenting adults get up to behind closed doors and in front of a few cameras on the internet is their business and theirs alone. But even in this area, progress, while slow, is definitely evident everyday. There’s even a hope that one day Catholic priests might actually move on from altar boys to maybe choir girls.

But a completely ignored segment of sexuality is inter-species love. I’m talking about the much (wrongly) maligned zoophilia.

I don’t understand why we can call animals our pals and best friends and our confidants, but we can’t take it to the next logical conclusion? Obviously feelings will grow and blossom into full blown intimacy. And it’s already hard enough to find love, why limit yourself to genetic compatibility?

And what about when sex becomes boring? Role-play and toys can only go so far? Sometimes you have to take it to the next level to get that excitement. And if this upstanding lady interviewed by Vice.com is to be trusted, then limiting yourself to just humanity for erotic pleasure is not only silly, but we’re missing out economically.


Instead of vilifying these individuals, why don’t we at the very least be open minded about new experiences and not immediately judge these folks as deviants. It’s not too long ago that any position beyond missionary was deemed evil and improper. Even now, no matter how right the majority know it is, inter-tribal and interracial marriages still carry some stigma.

Lest we be judged as savages by future generations, we should do cheer on those who refuse to be complacent and push the boundaries of our sexual frontier, looking for love and satisfaction in places only few will dare go. These are our sexual pioneers and our future heroes.

NOTE: If you really want to know why I wrote this whole thing (you don’t, trust me) click here.

The food of the gods

Sometimes you see things that crush your spirit, break your heart, numb your mind and even damn your soul. Things so horrible, even Aggrey would cringe. I saw one of those things yesterday. Somebody on twitter said…give me a moment, I need to gather some resolve to go on. You should too. You’re about to hear something truly horrible. Somebody said…

They hate chapatis!

What?! How dare anyone say such a thing? What kind of monster do you have to be to hate chapatis? As I pointed out here, we have a growing international fan base and some of you may not know what a chapati is, I’ll explain.

Chapatis are God’s gift to earth. Here’s an old African tale that should capture their importance.

A long time ago, a man was starving in a barren wasteland plagued with famine, war and poverty. In his despair, he looked up to the sky and cursed the gods. To his surprise, a voice from the sky answered.

“Why do you curse us so?”

“You gave us nothing! There is nothing good in this land.”

“Now now, that’s not true. Is there nothing you can think of that’s good here?”

“Well…I guess we don’t pay taxes. That seems like a good thing.”

“How do you even know about…anyway, actually- some men are coming on a big boat to bring you taxes.”

“You see! Nothing good!”

“I see your point…hmmm…How about this.”

“Whats this?”

“A chapati.”

“You think you can just pick something of your lunch and buy me off with it?”

“I’ll show you how to make it too.”

“Oh go screw yourself you….”

The man had taken a bite. Tears welled up in his eyes and he whispered “Hakuna matata!”

That’s a true story. No really, it is. That’s how chapatis came into this world and hating them is a sacrilege! It’s the food of the gods, how picky can you people get. Anyway, i realize some of you may not feel as strongly about chapatis….BUT YOU’RE WRONG! No one should be able to resist them!

In the famous words of Jesus: It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. Except with well made chaptis. Lord..i mean I know i could use one right about now.

Then again, my Sunday school teacher was also a chapati vendor who accepted offering money as payment so i cant really speak for the accuracy of that quote.

It’s A Joke, You Dolt! (Unless It Involves Your Mom)

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

It depends how hard you throw them.

Jokes are funny. Inappropriate jokes are funnier.

I know that seems like I’m stating the obvious but apparently that escapes A LOT of people. Everyone wears a self-righteous air and sniffs “You shouldn’t make fun of that!” “This is a serious issue!” “Hell has a special place for you.” Unbeknownst to me, you or the rest of humanity, these people are the judges who decide what should be laughed at and where the boundaries lie.

To those folks, LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!!! (What I really want to say is GO SUCK A DICK [Preferably mine, because it’s been a while, otherwise I would have included the descriptors BIG and FAT to that] but I need the views, so stick around!)

Dead baby jokes are fucking hilarious! Disparaging your own mother’s purity is a hoot. Elaborate fictional quests that end with your dad getting a train run on him, followed by a celebratory Cleveland steamer, that’s comedy gold.

Say you don’t find it funny, that’s your opinion. Say the joke is not funny, now you’re trying to proclaim your opinion as fact. If this is not funny, why am I and the millions across the world rolling on the floor in tears?

I’m not asking you to find these horrible, horrible jokes funny. I’m telling you PC idiots to get off my back for enjoying them.

NB: Note and applaud my effort to link to definitions of various slang terms. Here at DNFTB, we strive to educate our audience.