We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Posts tagged “gross humour

The Downside of A Relationship

MOLESTO HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!!

This is literally the saddest news for all the thousands (possibly hundreds, maybe tens, perhaps ones, but who’s counting?) of ladies that were salivating at the thought of getting some of this prime grade D. But it’s now reserved for a party of one. Sorry, y’all is too late!

Ouch! Businessman being dominated by woman in spike heels

She knows just how I like it

And with a girlfriend comes TONS OF SEX!!! LOADS OF IT!!! ON THE REGULAR! And warmth, love and companionship though why she wastes that on me I have no idea. She already got me with the first part, I wonder why she’s putting in the effort with all the rest. Anyway, SEXY SEX OF SEXTY!

But despite the state of my drained and shrivelled balls, a part of me still unsatisfied. You can only commit so many crimes against god, nature and physics with athletic sex. As all encompassing as her affection is, there are empty places in my heart that she cannot touch. It keeps me up at night trying to figure out what in could possibly be missing from what should be an ideal situation for this inappropriate toucher. Suddenly, with a crash like thunder I farted! After airing out my room, I finally figured out what I’d been missing. Or rather who. Palmela Handerson.

She had been with me for so long that a void was now left that a living, breathing partner could never replicate. Through my awkard teenage years, through my journey of discovery to even my coming into adulthood (a work that is vey much in its infancy), Palmela and her 5 sisters have seen me through the good times and the bad. They know my little quirks and ticks that only come with years of familiarity. Whenever my frustrations have built up, she has always been there with her crew to help relieve the pressue that has been building up inside. So many nostalgic days spent milking the one eyed snake, blowing the horn, choking the chicken, doing the five knuckle shuffle, beating the meat, tenderising the steak, giving me a low five, greasing the pipe, polishing the wood and evicting my testicular squatters.

Sure it was always rushed. Sure Palmela left me with a feeling of intense self-loathing and disgust. Sure she never really cared and was off as soon as the job was done. But she was there! And that’s what mattered. Now I can’t even think about now that I spend my days recovering in haze of post-sex dehydration. A man should not be reduced to living like this. It’s simply inhuman! But unfortunately, even Molesto has to bow down to societal demands at some point. Now it’s time to get and and do some stretches. Using a sex swing with meat hooks to do the reverse dragon dagger with an noose tightening incrementally is a lot more difficult than it sounds. Need to at least be warmed and limber for it.


A Nut Of Rebellion

The lesson of the day is that even jerking off can be a chore. A long day is enough to screw the motivation out of a body, even for the more enjoyable activities.

Just the thought of having to go to a porn tube site, going through 50 videos with a raging boner just to find the video with right camera angles and performers who know how to shut up, do a quick five knuckle shuffle then spend another 5min cleaning up just makes it easier to say no, and go to bed.

This is a reality that I really would have been happy never having to confront it. I like to think I have libido that can be called into action at the drop of a hat. This foreshadowing of what old age looks like is very unwelcome. I’m not a fan of the thought of Viagra and Cialis being a certainty in my future.

Maybe I should just do it anyway. In defiance. A nut of rebellion, shouting out that I will not cum quietly in the night, but that I will go out grabbing my cock with a full fist, and pumping it like a shotgun and blasting like Arnold Schwarzenegger right in the face of the T-1000!

Yeah, I think I’ll do that instead. Then go to bed.