We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing

Posts tagged “black humor

One Person’s Dead Is Another Person’s Love

Do not look at me as a prophet of doom for the words I’m about to say. Rather, I reveal the deep truths that we refuse to admit even to ourselves.

SCIENCE HAS FAILED US! How you might ask? Simple. We don’t have robot sex dolls.

I would be more than justified in using this space to bemoan the pathetic state of our sciences and our scholars and our technology, but I’m just not that kind of guy. I’m the kind of guy who thinks beyond his present circumstances and tries to solve the problems that he’s presented with. And there’s only one obvious solution to this dire situation: Necrophilia.

It really is the perfect blend of human contact without the inconvenience of human interaction. Our techniques of human preservation mean that bodies can be maintained in pristine condition after death for a long time. And all it’ll take to get corpses flexible again after rigor mortis is a few strategically placed metal joints. And if you think that is impossible, think of the artificial joints surgeries all over the world that replace knees, elbows and hips. It’s only a small step to doing the same to the dead. It’ll actually be cheaper since you don’t have to worry about anaesthesia and quality of (after)life.

And for all those with petty moral concerns, GET OVER YOURSELVES! You want to deny hundreds of people the joys of having a human sex partner with no demands of their own! What kind of monsters are you!? Yes the partners might be dead, but that’s better than the nothing that those people currently have. It’s not like these corpses will be diverted from some critical function. In fact, we’d actually be using them to bring even more happiness to the world. And I’m sure that if it’s one thing our loved ones would like to know they brought to this world even after their passing, it’s happiness.

Don’t bury or cremate your loved ones. Instead, donate their body to that sexless friend or frustrated who you know could use some good lovin’. In the immortal words of Michael Jackson, you’ll be doing your part to heal the world, to make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.

 


An Honest Discussion About Sexuality

Unrelated: Written while listening to http://i.mixcloud.com/CCLCdn

As a society, we judge too harshly when it comes to matters of the carnal nature. What 2 or 3 or 500 consenting adults get up to behind closed doors and in front of a few cameras on the internet is their business and theirs alone. But even in this area, progress, while slow, is definitely evident everyday. There’s even a hope that one day Catholic priests might actually move on from altar boys to maybe choir girls.

But a completely ignored segment of sexuality is inter-species love. I’m talking about the much (wrongly) maligned zoophilia.

I don’t understand why we can call animals our pals and best friends and our confidants, but we can’t take it to the next logical conclusion? Obviously feelings will grow and blossom into full blown intimacy. And it’s already hard enough to find love, why limit yourself to genetic compatibility?

And what about when sex becomes boring? Role-play and toys can only go so far? Sometimes you have to take it to the next level to get that excitement. And if this upstanding lady interviewed by Vice.com is to be trusted, then limiting yourself to just humanity for erotic pleasure is not only silly, but we’re missing out economically.

hardcore_rat_porn

Instead of vilifying these individuals, why don’t we at the very least be open minded about new experiences and not immediately judge these folks as deviants. It’s not too long ago that any position beyond missionary was deemed evil and improper. Even now, no matter how right the majority know it is, inter-tribal and interracial marriages still carry some stigma.

Lest we be judged as savages by future generations, we should do cheer on those who refuse to be complacent and push the boundaries of our sexual frontier, looking for love and satisfaction in places only few will dare go. These are our sexual pioneers and our future heroes.

NOTE: If you really want to know why I wrote this whole thing (you don’t, trust me) click here.


I Am Not What You Think I Am! Seriously!

Is there really anything with (arguably) a man such as myself sitting down and enjoying a video such as this? Can’t I enjoy some pop entertainment just because there are a bunch of kids running around?

I have been accused severally and from many different sectors of liking my poon tang young and untouched. All manner of jokes have been made, e.g. “Will you dump your current gf now that she’s finished class 8?”, or “Do you have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in your girlfriend’s mouth?”. The jokes just keep on coming and I’m finally sick and tired of it all.

None of you have been through my browser history, so none of you can judge what my tastes and perversions are. Just because my hard drive is full of hot teen and barely legal porn, just because I don’t have a huge problem with my little sister barging into my room with all her little playmates, just because most of the anime I watch has 13 yr old middle school girls showing off their strawberry patterned panties…Excuse me for a moment…

…And I’m back! All this is no reason to accuse of such dastardly deeds and thoughts. Children are a right pleasure (if you know what I’m talking about, UP TOP!) and I just watch them on the playground and in their rooms to make sure that no harm comes to them, that’s all. So please, no more pedo jokes, ok?

Nothing wrong with looking at athleticism on display

I just crossed the line, didn’t I?


Kids Are Just The Darndest Things!

Kids are the most infuriating things known to man. And supposedly they are universally loved. They are purported to be cute and cuddly and adorable while all they have ever managed to do to me is drive me to certifiable murderous rage.

 

I turn into the pimpin’ hulk when I get angry

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about babies. I’m talking about the little pieces of genetically designed annoyances that grate at your every nerve because they know how to imitate human speech to whine relentlessly. Tormentors who can waddle their way into places and predicaments that force you to pay them attention no matter what it is you’d rather be doing.

Awww, look at his fiendish soul, isn't adorable!?

Having made it clear that there’s no love lost between me and the hellspawn, I think it will take another post to show just how much they make me want to throw away my own human façade, just so I can implement all the savage, cruel and heartwarming things that I want to do to them.

Or I hope that killing a hobo, and painting the chicken coop with it’s blood will be enough therapy to prevent incriminating myself in any future crime.