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Disproving the Theory of Evolution

Some people waited with bated breath on 22/12/12 for the world to end.

2012 comedy

Except, guys, maybe the apocalypse did happen. Maybe zombies did climb out of their graves to suck for some brain matter snackin’. Maybe the Mayans were on to something, but it just didn’t happen the way they thought it would.

Personally, I think the zombies were anarchists, and so they targeted monarchial and government figures. Case in point: Kenyan politicians the Queen of Sheba.

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This is a long one, folks. Take a seat. Grab a snack. It’s pure comedy gold.

It all started with a discovery by Her Majesty herself:

sheba

Just a simple misunderstanding, right? I mean, if AIAC’s Twitter handle was the first you were ever seeing of the site, then maybe it would be okay for you to be a little miffed. No worries, a quick reply from a tweep should set you straight, right?

Right?

Nope.

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Things got historical for a brief period of time.

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And then people tried to patiently talk some sense into her.

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But she had some of her own.

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Guys, shit started getting very personal.

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And then we had another couple of history lessons.

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The Wicked Witch of the East Horn silly queen even pushed this poor African guy to the verge of desperate alcoholism:

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And still he tried to get along. Peace-loving, us Africans.

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After which she broke it down to the rest of Africa why Ethiopia is just so important:

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Honestly, KIE should just scrape the entire History syllabus and give this girl a job. She knows her stuff.

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Finally, the poor guy gave in and began to look for (her?) intelligence at the bottom of the bottle. I wonder if he found it. I will find him and find out.

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Because really:

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And then this wonderful individual pointed us to her Twitter bio, and s few things began to make sense:

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Still, things couldn’t get any worse, right?

Again, nope.

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On top of everything else, she became our resident economist.

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A quick change of hat and she was Mwalimu again.

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And it would have ended here:

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had this lady kept out of it. Twitter is bursting with inciters, yo.

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And once again, shit got real. She exhibited a very… erm… un-African point of view. Oh the irony.

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Gathoni even took some time out of her day to do the queen’s homework for her, because we all know how spoiled royalty can be. And unable to please, apparently. The ungrateful girl threatened to stop financially supporting Gathoni, forcing the poor peasant into a most unpleasant begging situation.

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After which the queen stopped tweeting back, but made one last comment. Really, she’s all over the place this one.

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That, ladies and gents, concludes today’s round of Twitter entertainment. If you read it to the end, thank you. If you didn’t, I understand you.

Keep an eye on her account for more, if you’d like to. Yes, I do realise this may make it seem like you have no life, like me, but let’s not pretend you do not spend a large percentage of your day looking for stuff like this, even if she’s just trolling.

If not, go bounce a cat.

Now excuse me while I go write Obama a heartfelt plea.


Karaoke-Offffff!!!! (Nuthead vs. Kingzedek)

PSA here: Ok so I just wanted to say that I got challenged to a “Karaoke-off” the other day by none other than one of the writers on this blog i.e. Nuthead. This event will take place somewhere in Nairobi at some point in December. It goes without saying that all blog readers are invited. Blog authors attendance is mandatory because they will be judging the winner. Furthermore all attendants are advised to bring named weapons because they may be required to pick sides in this epic battle to the death. So show up have a good time, showdown with a mortal enemy, you know what it is. Either Nuthead or I will post details later on.

P.S. If we are picking sides then dibs on Aggrey! (that dude is crazy)

P.P.S. Natalie I will crush youuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

P.P.P.S The above said, I want everyone to know that I was kidding about the “battle to the death” part. While this COULD happen, we generally stop at maiming.

P.P.P.P.S The above said, I want everyone to know that I was kidding about kidding about the “battle to the death part”. If you come without a weapon you WILL get killed bitch!


Up close and personal with… that woman

When I started using public transport on my own about five years ago (digs at my age are not expected or accepted here), I was scared out of my mind. All of a sudden, random men between my house and the stage and in the javs started noticing me and calling me those names that shouldn’t even have been associated with me, the flat-chested, small-boned, hips-less, awkward, just-turned-teenager. Now, though I’m not so flat-chested and I have a hint of hips (I would like to believe, bubble-bursting is not expected or accepted here) and am not so awkward, I still feel uber-uncomfortable being on the receiving end. I also learned, very quickly and unpleasantly, that  personal space is an “I wish”. I also learned never to sit next to the man with a paper bag full of medicines that can fix all your problems from pimples to elephantiasis to arrhythmia for just a promotional price of 100 bob.

Nevertheless, I managed to cope. These days, I look at all the idiotic loudmouths like I don’t understand a word of Swahili and they leave me alone. I try to sit where the fewest people are but I’ve accepted that’s not always an option. And I try to avoid people with paper bags.

Today, though, I was… stunned? I’d just gotten to town and I happily strolled to my next stage because it was such a beautiful day and I like to stroll happily on beautiful days, knowing that it may take a while for any bus I got into to leave town because it had to fill up. The fates smiled big, braces-less smiles upon me though, and I found a Hoppa that was mostly full. On I got, in my little bubble of happiness that I wouldn’t age significantly waiting to leave town and I headed for the back bench which was mostly empty, except for this woman at one end with a ginormous paper bag. Ignoring the paper bag (and silently praying she was a mama mboga or something), I sat.

Aren't my artistic skills positively sooperdooper?

You’ll kinda have to open the picture to see because evidently, my skills do not extend beyond my fantastic art.

Anyslut, there I am sitting in my happy bubble, not sitting at the window as I would usually do because of the sun (see the sun?), minding my own business, waiting patiently for the bus to leave…

Until she decides she doesn’t want to sit there anymore. Which is all well and good… or not. She actually looked like she was going to get off, gathering her paper bag and all but instead, she switches places with the damn thing and plonks herself right on my lap, almost, popping my happy bubble with all her invasion. And she looks straight ahead like this is a perfectly natural thing to do!

And her bag of beetroots gets half the bench. I kid you not, it was crazy huge.

Okay, so politely, I start to inch away, towards the dreaded sun, trying to utilise the space she seemingly failed to comprehend and she interprets this as license to make as much use of this new space as possible. She moves. Again!

I couldn’t even choke out the words to get her to move. I was just so traumatised. Galleria could not appear soon enough. And I got off the bus before her.

And I have decided that for today, and possibly the rest of the week, this is why we are still a third-world country.


Shameless encouragement

.So, MTV Shuga Season 2 is on it’s way and voting is going on right now at mtvshuga.com. Desperate times have led me to plead with yall to head on over there and vote for Wairuga Mutero for the female Shuga Star. Please? I’ll make sure she buys you all flashy Beemers when she’s rich and famous. Thanks 🙂

 


The Championship Game At Cliché High School –> I died XD

Coach: Alright guys, we’re down by six with exactly enough time left on the clock for that crazy trick play I taught you which no one understood at the time but everyone now realizes is perfectly suited for our current situation. Now, I know a lot of you gave up hope for the season after our incredibly talented yet cocky star quarterback got injured during our first game, but through a combination of me alienating my wife by focusing too much on the team and a series of inspirational montages we managed to make it this far, and by God I’m not about to give up now!

Ricky: Hey, did we ever figure out how those montages helped us improve so much? I mean, we never did any exercise for longer than a few seconds. That doesn’t seem like a very effective training method.
Jason: It’s because we did them while listening to “Eye of the Tiger” on repeat.
Ricky: Oh, right.

Coach: Anyway, Bobby, I want you in as wide receiver for our last play.

Bobby: Me? But I’m so much smaller and less aggressive than the rest of the players on the team, symbolized by these glasses I’m wearing! I only started playing this season to try and impress my dad, who has never thought of me as highly as he has of my more athletic and handsome older brother!

Coach: Damn it, Bobby! Now look, I know that ever since budget cuts forced the school to hire me, the unassuming grizzled old janitor, as your coach, a lot of you have questioned my unorthodox training methods. But I thought I proved myself to you at that practice where I threw a perfect 80-yard spiral and opened up about how I used to play in college until injuries forced me to quit. Now answer me this: is your dad here?

Bobby: Yes.

Coach: And your older brother?

Bobby: Yeah.

Coach: And Lisa, the girl who was dating our cocky star quarterback that you’ve had a crush on since freshman year but been too shy to tell?

Bobby: Ye-wait, how did you know that?

Coach: Don’t worry about it. Can you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that you can’t make a dramatic last-second catch that will simultaneously win us the game, win you your father’s respect, and make Lisa fall in love with you?

Ricky: That seems like a tall order for one catch.

Bobby: Well Coach, if you and the rest of this team, who at first rejected me due to my penchant for nerdy pursuits such as comic books and math but came to accept me after I was able to apply those interests to football somehow, really believe in me, then yeah, I can do it!

Coach: Well then let’s get out there and win this game for our economically devastated old-fashioned rural small town whose pride over their high school football team is all they have left!

(The team cheers and rushes out onto the field, where Bobby makes a dramatic game-winning catch despite running in slow-motion the entire time. The losing team, however, is not too upset, as, after fielding the first racially integrated team in their school’s history, they have learned that sometimes overcoming prejudices is more important than winning football games.)


Shonen Rant

This is a mini rant inspired by the episode of shipuuden i just watched. I’m addicted to Naruto Shipuuden. Mainly bcoz it reminds me of my life. Not forgetting the fact that i can now speak pidgin Japanese. Anyway With crazy ninja wars, kunai flying everywhere, insane ninjutsu and illusionist combat, what’s not to love? Of course, Shipuuden is pretty cool too.  So anyway despite my unhealthy worship of this show, it has its shortcomings. In the midst of all the cooler than life battles, bloodshed, cheesy lines, over-emphasis on honor and disturbingly simplistic slapstick humor there is…the main storyline. Which basically is

Naruto wanting to shag Sasuke.

Now i know at this point all my fellow anime enthusiasts are

pissed,

cussing,

heckling,

vowing to travel to the far east obtain one of the few remaining original Hattori Hanzo swords subsequently find me and proceed to descend upon me with the wrath of a thousand Menzoberranzan dwelling dark elves, (be proud Quentin, u hav a following)

heckling,

and generally over reacting in a melodramatic fashion as only a proper anime fan can. And with good reason, Naruto Shipuuden was voted one of the best animes of all time!! in a poll taken by thelittlemeninmymind. (no really, thats an actual website) Basically i love the show, but there is just something unnatural about the relationship that Naruto has with Sasuke. I mean its been a couple o YEARS fool!! you were friends, he left you behind, get over it. Everyone moves on with their lives. but no, not Naruto. He still believes in his Sasuke’s innocence. Seriously what does Sasuke hav to do for Naruto to realise that its not gonna work out, rape a person?? ‘Sasuke the sodomite’ *shudders*  (I was gonna develop that line of thought but i didnt want to give aggrey any ideas)

well anyway, that said, I still love the show and am still trying to overcome my addiction. (Damn you Masashi!!) And to those who are still offended by my earlier remark and have with them, a fierce bloodlust, a hattori hanzo and a cinematic imagination akin to my own, i have only a few words:

I’ll be waiting.

oh yeah and also, if we’re really gonna do this like i know we’re gonna bcoz i just called you out, I’d appreciate it if u prepared your half of the showdown dialogue beforehand and sent it to me via email. you know, jus so i can do the same. I’ve found that it tends to make the battle flow more smoothly and tons more epic. thanks.


Why I am home-schooling my kid(s)

Disclaimer:

While the following may raise questions about mental capacity. I refuse to acknowledge that the child is to blame. She is intelligent. I know this because we are related.

Moving on…

Yesterday, there took place a couple of events that seriously made me question our education system. Am I roight, am I roight? Judge for yourself… :DD

So my aunt picked my brother and I from school yesterday. It’s usually a routine thing: pick us, pick her seven year old daughter from her school then pick her older sister from her school. So after she picked us, we went to the little girl’s school. As she was getting into the car, we saw two sweet little pointi kids trying to escape from the playground into the parking through the fence. Because they were so plotless, they were obviously busted (something my aunt took great joy in) and the following conversation ensued:

Aunt: Jay, who are those girls?

Jay: They’re new in school. And they speak British!

Aunt and I: They speak WHAT???

Jay: British!

Me: British????

Jay: *nods violently*

Aunt: Tebu speak to us in British

Jay: I can’t…

Jay: I don’t know!

Aunt: Even just one word?

Jay: Muuum, I don’t know! Me my teacher just told me that they speak British!

I should be worried, neh?

As if this wasn’t enough, when we went to pick her sister, we had to wait for a few minutes for her. And so Jay rises in her seat aaand:

Jay: Muuum, is Em here? I mean, is she here in school today?

Aunt: No, Jay. I just decided that since we come here and park everyday and wait for her, today shouldn’t be any different, si ndio?

Jay: Mmmmm

*silence*

So is Em in school today?

Me: *chokes on the mouthful of water I had just taken*

Now, if the first conversation had NOT taken place, I might, just MIGHT have decided that Jay was having a slow day. But seriously???? O.o What are they teaching in schools these days??

In other, somewhat related, news:

American guy: Oh my gosh, you’re from England??! Do you, like, have tea with the queen?!

British guy: Well, you’re American! Do you, like, go to McDonalds with Obama??! -_-

Well, you can’t always blame the education system for stupidity minimal intelligence.