We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing


Suddenly, Adulthood!

My whole life has been defined by the fact that I do as little as I can get away with. Laziness describes every aspect of my life, from skirt-chasing to personal hygiene. I never studied in primary school, gave it a try in high school and promptly gave up on that in uni. If I can get by with being average, I will.

Now I have duties and responsibilities I have to meet with this whole job thing I have to bear and it fucking sucks! And what sucks more is that I have no problem meeting them and I actually look forward to being challenged even more. THA HELL!?

My mind is ready to self-destruct. Who the hell am I and who is directing this meat sack of a body I’m supposedly pilot of? I should be swamped with half-done and deferred work. I should be a sneeze away from multiple crises and blowing my brains out from the pressure. I shouldn’t be quick to get things done and mad that someone else isn’t promptly answering my emails.

Instead I’m ready to actually work.

Goddammit! I think I’m becoming an adult.

It’s A Joke, You Dolt! (Unless It Involves Your Mom)

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

It depends how hard you throw them.

Jokes are funny. Inappropriate jokes are funnier.

I know that seems like I’m stating the obvious but apparently that escapes A LOT of people. Everyone wears a self-righteous air and sniffs “You shouldn’t make fun of that!” “This is a serious issue!” “Hell has a special place for you.” Unbeknownst to me, you or the rest of humanity, these people are the judges who decide what should be laughed at and where the boundaries lie.

To those folks, LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!!! (What I really want to say is GO SUCK A DICK [Preferably mine, because it’s been a while, otherwise I would have included the descriptors BIG and FAT to that] but I need the views, so stick around!)

Dead baby jokes are fucking hilarious! Disparaging your own mother’s purity is a hoot. Elaborate fictional quests that end with your dad getting a train run on him, followed by a celebratory Cleveland steamer, that’s comedy gold.

Say you don’t find it funny, that’s your opinion. Say the joke is not funny, now you’re trying to proclaim your opinion as fact. If this is not funny, why am I and the millions across the world rolling on the floor in tears?

I’m not asking you to find these horrible, horrible jokes funny. I’m telling you PC idiots to get off my back for enjoying them.

NB: Note and applaud my effort to link to definitions of various slang terms. Here at DNFTB, we strive to educate our audience.