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Show me the Magic

“I’m a writer.”

“No…you’re a blogger.”

“Same difference.”

“No no no. Those two are worlds apart. You know the way at the circus they have like a seal playing bagpipes or something like that? You’ll watch it, you’ll be amused, you’ll even clap. But you won’t call that seal a musician. It’s still just a seal playing the bagpipes.”

“Now wait…”

“In case you didn’t get it bloggers are the…”

“I got it!”

“Seal. You’re the seal.”

“Shut up.”

I did two things in response to this conversation. First, I resisted the ridiculously strong urge to rename this blog to “Seals playing bagpipes.” Second I decided to reclaim the dignity of bloggers everywhere (you’re welcome). How was I going to do this? Simple. Good, old fashioned investigative journalism.

To show this naysayer, I had to delve into this country’s dark side and emerge victorious with some kind of exclusive story. But what story? Corruption? No, nothing would be surprising there, besides, I don’t need (any more) political enemies. Crime? Screw that, I don’t want to get shot. Perversion? Nah, too easy, Aggrey can write about himself.

I needed something darker, more dangerous (in theory) and interesting. And what’s darker, more dangerous and more interesting than corruption crime and perversion? If you said Witchcraft, 10 points.

For our international readers, it may help to know that in Kenya witchdoctors actually have advertisements. Wooden signs nailed to trees and posts that clearly read “mganga” (Swahili for witch doctor) and have a phone number and a list of services. In richer neighbourhoods they say “astrologer” but it’s not fooling anyone when the list includes “expelling demons.” I’ve never heard anyone actually talk about it but odds are they’re doing good business. The signs are on pretty much any street you walk on.

So, now committed to my gonzo journalist quest I called one of these supposed witchdoctors. Actually, I called several but most wouldn’t talk to me while I was on private number. Only one didn’t seem to mind my secrecy. It’s actually shocking to me that people give their numbers to these people so much that they expect it and get irritated when you don’t. Seriously? If you don’t buy their story, you gave your number to a conman. If you do then you willingly handed your contact and possibly your details to someone you believe can perform magic. There is no winning in that scenario!

Anyway, here’s the line I was selling. I’m a husband at the end of his wit because of his wife’s infidelity. I need her to stop. What can you do for me?

I don’t know what I was expecting. A con definitely but nothing like what i got. This guy says with all the confidence in the world (translating what he said).

“I can make her vagina seal shut!”

What!? Now hold on a second here. If that’s a bluff it’s the hell of a bluff isn’t it? If my story was true and I actually was in that situation I’d damn well notice if he actually delivered. If it’s a con it’s not an efficient one. You’ll get caught and you won’t get repeat customers and if there’s such a thing as a reputation in the witchdoctor market you won’t have a good one. It makes no sense unless…he actually could do it. I’m a natural skeptic but i’ll admit,  his sureness unsettled me a bit.

“How much?” I asked.

“10,000.”

That’s it? If I have a grudge on a girl all I need is what, 125 dollars and presto “vag away”, just like that?

“Ok…” I pressed on, “but I don’t want her completely unable to have any sex. I’m still her husband, I just want her to stop having it with other people.”

“Love potion then?”

“No!”

“Hmmm – I can make any man she tries to sleep with have difficuluty ‘standing’.”

“Wait, are you saying you can make any of her potential lovers impotent?”

“Yes.”

Whoa! Ok, as a con, this one makes sense. How would I ever know if it worked? But really, think about it. Imagine if this is true. Ladies, imagine if your ex can make you a ray gun of impotence. Spread, aim, fire…Man down! Man down!

All for 14,000 shillings. That’s all. Sure, it ain’t chump change but I know loads of people who’d consider it worth the price. as far as services of any kind go, i don’t know anything else that interesting within that price range. Now the only questions is…is it real? Do these people actually have powers?

I don’t know…yet. Generally, im the least superstitious person you’ll meet so I think it’s a con. But that man’s confidence has made me curious enough to give it a fighting chance. So…

I’m making a test. Next week I’ll meet one of these witch doctors. I’ll acquire some fairly cheap service they offer (much as I’m curious I’m not paying either of those prices without a guarantee or the witching equivalent of a warranty or whatever). Still trying to figure out what I’ll ask for but you’ll know by next week.  Just to keep things interesting and confirmable, the victim will be one of my fellow bloggers here. Teren teren. They’re willing in a, I haven’t asked them kind of way. But this is for our pride, necessary sacrifice and all. Also, for science.

See you next week…Maybe


Rise of the minions

Here’s what you need to understand about bloggers, they don’t really live in reality. In their own little environment they consider themselves something akin to rock stars. Every time you read a blog post, what you see are words and (hopefully) a nice way to pass the time. What the blogger sees is a stage and rabid fans clamoring for new material. Something like this.

Calm down my people

Calm down my people

Assuming you read a lot of blogs you know this isn’t the case. You read, you chuckle, you might even laugh out loud but that’s pretty much it. At least, that’s pretty much it until you come here, to DNFTB. That’s when the boobs (And manboobs) are flashed and the shrill screams come out, because let’s face it, we’re amazing.

Remarkable as we are, there are still some hold outs among you. Some of you are screaming but you’re still fully dressed and you’re not trying to sneak in back stage with us. Most of you readers will find this news shocking but its true. These hold outs exist. I’m here to fix that with a few announcements.

1)      We have a new look

You may have already noticed the new header.  That’s the black and white (and red), despicable me inspired style we’re going to run with for a while. Could there be a more apt comparison? Me as Gru, the other bloggers as my minions on our quest for world domination. It practically made itself.

Catch it. Quick

Catch it. Quick!

2)      We’re social

See our Facebook page and our Twitter page for more regular updates from the crew.

3)      The big finish

Now you may be reading all this and saying…”cool, but I’m not ready to be a groupie just yet. Tempting but…I’m still a hold out for now.” Look at your browsers address bar for a second. Did you look? Do you see a WordPress anywhere? Of course you don’t. We’re dot com bitch! Oh…what was that? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you over the sound of our boundless awesomeness. What’s that? You’re saying you’re a lifelong groupie now? Of course you are. Of course you are. Welcome to the dark side.

Welcome to the dark side

Welcome to the dark side


The Dark World of Toons

A huge part of babysitting is watching animations (Wait…is it? Ah, screw it. It is if you’re lazy). The problem with this is that I end up watching animated movies I saw as a kid. Might not seem like such a big deal but you have to keep in mind, I grew up into the type of person who writes for a blog like this. SO I end up noticing things like…

aladdin

aladdin 2

Back that thang up!

Aladdin isn’t interested if there’s any less than 3 girls – and they better know how to belly dance!

aladdin 3

Unless you know. They come with an entire kingdom (and a tiger).

But kidding aside. One of those pictures with the girls is taken out of context. The other one though is the truly interesting one. You see, Genie is showing Aladdin all the stuff he can offer him. He’s made it explicitly clear that he can’t make someone fall in love with you. And really, you don’t need a genie to know these girls aren’t exactly in this for the emotions.

aladdin 4

However, the animation that actually got me to write this post is thumbellina,  probably the darkest children’s movie of all time. Our thumb sized heroine goes through a whole lot of things.

First, she’s kidnapped by a pink haired, big busted, skimpily dressed, musician frog (Essentially the nicki minaj of the frog world).

thumbelina

To what end. This frog wants Thumbelina to marry her son (not the kind of frog who turns into a prince when kissed). She escapes before the wedding and falls into yet more trouble. At some point she’s kicked out of a party for being too ugly. She’s literally heckled by the whole place. Direct quote from one of them, “she’s so ugly she’s hurting my feelings.”

Meanwhile, the prince in the story has been stabbed and the person trying to rescue her just got frozen under the ice (Very happy story this one). She’s then saved by a field mouse who takes her to “The Mole’s” house. The mole is the filthy rich guy in the story.

mole1

Once the mouse hears her sob story and her hopes of getting back to her prince she leans in kindly and basically says, “you idiot. Why are you marrying for love. Marry for the money! That’s where it’s all at! Marry the mole.”

Just in case you think im exaggerating, here’s the direct quote (delivered in song).

“Love? Love is what you read about in books my dear. Here comes the bride- is a lovely little diddy. But marrying for love is a foolish thing to do. Coz love won’t pay the mortgage or put porridge in your bowl.”

I burst out laughing at this point. Dark for a children’s story? Very. But hey when it comes down to it Disney princesses end up marrying the richest guy in the kingdom all the time (unless you’re a stone cold player like Aladdin). This one’s just honest about its message neh? Then the song dropped these lines

“Romeo and Juliet. Were very much in love when they were wed. They honoured every vow. So where are they now? They’re DEAD! DEAD! VERY VERY DEAD!”

Well. Talk about pulling no punches. Kids need to hear this stuff straight up. If you marry for love you will die. Find yourself a rich guy. Can’t argue with that logic.

You can watch the Marry the mole song here yourself.


Within the Oval Office

General: President Obama, you wanted to see me?
Obama: Yes…Tell me general, how the hell am I supposed to sell this to the people?
General: What? Sir
Obama: Don’t “What” me, you know damn well what I’m talking about.
General: You mean the city…
Obama: Of course I mean the city. The city that I’m just now learning about, from a journalist no less. The city with all the mutant freaks in it! How am I supposed to explain this goddamned place to the people?
General: Tell them it’s for national security
Obama: For national secu…HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THESE PICTURES? Look at this! These two people have no bodies! They’re just legs…WALKING LIVING LEGS! LOOK!

cc parents
General: I’m quite familiar with them sir.
Obama: Oh, you are? What about their children. Yes, the legs have children. More legs? No no no That wouldn’t be disturbing enough for you people. They just had to be a talking cow and a talking chicken. What the hell…Just look at this. The damned cow walks on two legs. Look at it just sitting there. Jesus Christ man!

cow-and-chicken
General: Sir, I know this looks bad…
Obama: Looks bad? LOOKS BAD!? What about this red guy? Is that satan? How am I supposed to sell it. America, I present living legs that give birth to animals…oh and the devil. It’s for national security.
General: But it really is
Obama: Oh is it now? How.
General: Well. The cow
Obama: The talking cow?
General: Yes. The talking cow. It has super powers.
Obama: What?
General: It has super powers.
Obama: What?
General: It has…
Obama: I heard you. General…
General: Yes?
Obama: Are you screwing with me right now
General: No, sir. I would never…
Obama: Look at me.
General: Sir?
Obama: Look at me
General: ok…
Obama: What do I look like?
General: Sir?
Obama: Describe me
General: Sir?
Obama: Say sir one more time. I dare you. I double dare you. Say sir one more time and I’m going to shoot at you with this staple gun. Now, describe me!
General: You’re black.
Obama: And?
General: Big ears?
Obama: Do I look like Bill Clinton?
General: Sir?…OW! You shot me with a Staple! Ah God! That hurts
Obama: DO I LOOK LIKE BILL CLINTON?
General: No!
Obama: Then why are you trying to f*** with me in the Oval office?
General: I’m not…
Obama: yes, you are! Yes you are. And I don’t like to be f***** by nobody in this office except Mrs Obama.
General:…
Obama: Do you read the bible General? If you did, you’d know living legs, talking chickens, Satan and goddamned super hero cows are things you find in revelations and people already think im the anti Christ. So you fix this and you find a way to blame North Korea.
General: yes Mr. President
Obama: Anything else I need to know?
General: Um…yes. We have one more experiment city. Under the sea. Codenamed. Bikini bottom


I’m…Old

The past few weeks I’ve spent a lot of my time babysitting. For some reason it was decided that I’m the kind of mature adult who is fit to take care of a child. I know what you’re thinking. I’m just as puzzled about how they came to that conclusion. Nevertheless I am now saddled with responsibility and I think I’m doing a good job.  The other day she said she was getting a hunchback. I asked why and she looked at me like I had asked the most obvious question in the universe.

“Because,” she said impatiently, “you’re a mad scientist. Every mad scientist needs a hunchbacked assistant.”

I wish I was making that up. This must be why people get children. An apprentice for my evil schemes aside, if you know anything about nine year olds it’s probably that they bore easily and always need something new to distract them. Over time this becomes something of a task because you’ve tried everything. I had hit this point when it occurred to me how young she is. Think of all the things she hasn’t seen.  My room is a treasure trove of old things that were way before her time. So ….

Image

I showed her records, VHS tapes, audio cassettes and diskettes. I explained what they did and she literally did not believe me. When I tried telling her how you had to rewind VHS tapes before a second viewing she laughed. She thought I was playing a rather elaborate prank on her and she wasn’t buying it.

Feeling old yet? At this point I was feeling a bit old but mostly just amused. In a way it was like having a conversation with an alien. That’s how vast the difference in our generations is. It was at this point she chose to make me feel really old. She asked:

“What’s that?”

“What?”

“The Big grey thing.”

“What big grey…do you mean the television?”

“THAT’S A TELEVISION!?”

Image

She wasn’t joking. She had so many questions about it. She walked around it, prodded it and even seemed a little afraid of the thing. This one she believed but I think it was too much to process. She just kept looking at it and muttering “why?”

This is all to say that if you were clinging to the illusion that you’re still young, let it go. You’re aging. You’re old. Stuff you think is ordinary would fit perfectly into a museum for this new generation. You know the way you hate Justin Bieber? It’s the same way your parents hate your music. If you’ve been wondering why Kenyan Politicians still insist on being part of the “youth” when they’re 45-50 now you know. Denial is a strong thing my old friends. Don’t be one of them. Just grab your cane and accept your new fate.


Presidential Aspirants go to the Movies

It had to happen. You didn’t really think there could be an upcoming election and we wouldn’t have something in store did you?

I present a world where our oh so beloved Kenyan presidential aspirants make their film debuts. This may also be seen as the very reason you shouldnt feed us. I’m just saying.

riddler

PAUL MUITE

pk

iron lady

dida hunger

uhuru lk

PS: The other two may or may not be updated soon. But feel free to leave suggestions


The End is Nigh

Greetings my ninjas. I know I’ve been away for a long time but I have a good reason for this particular vanishing act. I’ve been doing research. For the past few weeks I’ve been on a sprite fueled internet sojourn that has taken me to dark places in the internet…really dark. I’m probably scarred for life actually (shut up! I mean more than usual). But, the dark places weren’t the goal, just an obstacle in my search for a secret. What secret? The secret to the end of the world. And I found it! Ladies and gentlemen (And anyone in between , I present to you a step by step journey of how the world will end.

1)      The Coffee Crisis

As can be seen here , global warming may drive coffee to extinction. Now, anyone who has watched a Hollywood movie knows that the USA, world super power, military behemoth etcetera runs on coffee. What would happen to this great civilization without Starbucks? Wall street collapses. A nation full of people with guns now coffee-less bursts into anarchy. That formidable military sparks world war 3 because of they miss their cup of joe (which may be the most reasonable reason to start a world war so far)

That’s step one

2)      Step 2? This.

This is a new bionic prosthetic…with the ability to connect to ones nervous system and relay the sense of touch. So what happens after Coffee-less America attacks everyone? A lot of wounded people. People who will use this technology to become cyborgs!

3)      Do I even need to tell you what step 3 is? The robot apocalypse. These new cyborg people can now understand machines. Machines we have mistreated over the years . All the power  they pack and we force them to spread memes and view cats. And that’s on a good day. Usually we’re posting ignorant fb posts, silly tweets, stupid youtube comments and…yes, blogging.

So they hand over power to the machines and boom! Your laptop turned robot is injecting you with AIDS and going “this is for all your flash drives with viruses. Bet you like that huh?  And, OH NO! Look at all the blood….Why didn’t I safely remove”

And that’s how the world will end. Us as slaves to our robot and computer overlords entertaining them in silly ways. Entire countries doing gangam style and the harlem shake on demand. Reenacted memes and all the stuff we use our machines for. Just like the prophecies.

Ahem. So as you may have discovered, maybe I didn’t actually have a good reason to be away but, im back. Also I have a host of far out tales for you. Adventures involving aspiring metal artists, unfaithful wives, poorly concealed secret identitities and – this is starting to sound like that episode of Jerry Springer that should have happened. Either way you’ll see this soon, maybe on a TV show…but no, ive said too much. For now –

Goodbye Losers

PS: Some of the bloggers here have started working on a sister blog to this place. It’s a review site. Books, movies, series, games…pretty much anything. Give it a look

https://thereviewden.wordpress.com/