We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing


Hello there demented people of the world. It’s been quite a while since I last actively showed my angry presence in these parts. I take it that you have missed me because let’s face, you are obligated to. Fear not, however, I’m back.

Now, as expected of me, I am an avid browser of reddit. I go there every single day. It’s excellent for procrastination. Drafting legal documents can be quite the bore. I sometimes really ask myself why I chose to do this degree, but truthfully, it’s the only degree I actually could do, but I digress. (Un)fortunately, had to downgrade from 4chan. There can only be so many fucked-up-beyond-redemption writers here at a given time. (Also, my 4chan days were dark, dark times in my life. Second and Third years in law school weren’t kind to me).

One of my favourite subreddits to brows is BBP, or Big Boob Problems. It’s very comforting to know that there are other ladies out there who share the same every day struggles as I do: selling your whole family and mortgaging your parents’ house to buy a bra, having things lost in my boobs, underboob sweat, cringing as you walk down the stairs, every single top you buy having to be adjusted, OMG buttons refusing to close on shits, rants, etc etc. Kwanza wewe Olivia have you ever gone there? You really should. (They also provide great resources and great places to buy bras. If you’ll consider selling your grandma to buy a bra, it better be a goddamn fantastic bra).

Let me even tell you a story so that you can truly see how real this struggle is. Early last year I walked into a shop, which I won’t say to be polite (Woolworths Sarit) to look for a couple of bras. As in I hadn’t even lifted my hand to check out the sizes and the mama that was standing there just takes one look at me and says “I’m sorry, I don’t think we stalk your size”. I’m telling you I was so offended. This bitch didn’t even know what goddamn size I was and she already decided that they didn’t stock my size?! I couldn’t even bring myself to complain. I just walked out and went and ate greasy food. So fucking rude.
So yesterday evening, I came across a sub called BDP, aka Big Dick Problems. I was very amused, because this sub was kinda like BBP, but for men. I clicked on one of the links and it was about a well-endowed gentleman telling a story about how he was hospitalised and hospital gowns are not exactly…discreet. Another link was about a guy who saw bananas that could only have come from Uganda and was saying how big they were and even he felt a bit inadequate (tihihi). I even discovered a test. A test.

At this point I was grinning like a mongoloid because oh my God this test was just…very, very entertaining. It’s called the toilet paper roll test. How it works is, you take the roll and cut it at your insertiable length (I have no idea WTF that is) and I think you use how tight it fits around your cock as a representation of how thick you are. On average, the roll is about 5.5” girth apparently, and this dude (and other blokes on this sub) was (were? What is English?) bigger than that. They were even saying how they now respect women that give/had given them head.

So my mum walks in on me with my mouth agape and covered and I’m giggling like a school girl and she decides for the sake of her sanity its best she doesn’t ask. Ignoring the shade she was throwing, I told her what I’d discovered and she had a look of appalled confusion on her face as I continued gleefully browsing through BDP and kind of relating to the struggles these poor blokes go through. (Mum once told me she’s already feeling sorry for the poor bloke that’ll shackle his soul to me. Clearly she doesn’t know I’m friends with Aggrey). Poor guys have problems finding condoms that fit them, LOL. I think most of our West African brothers should sub to this sub.

To conclude, I strongly recommend this sub. It’s really weirdly educational. And entertaining. Please go look at it. Please. It’s worth it. I promise.

10 responses

  1. Yaani some millenials (I’m assuming all this writing is by millenials) are that self conscious?

    February 24, 2015 at 9:09 am

    • I’m sorry, I don’t understand your question.

      It’s not a matter of being self-concious. It’s (the internet, I mean) just a place to share life-experiences with other people who are going through the same things are you.

      I don’t see where self-conciousness comes in, but okay…

      February 24, 2015 at 9:16 am

  2. It’s the banana story that got me wondering about self consciousness

    February 24, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    • Oh.

      Nah mate. He thought the banana was so huge that even he felt inadequate for once, something he rarely experiences since he’s so big.

      February 24, 2015 at 7:41 pm

  3. Kim

    There’s stuff I want to say but… interesting article.

    April 8, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    • GreyRok

      Don’t be afraid, this is a safe haven for all afflicted with BDP, men and women.

      April 9, 2015 at 9:49 pm

      • Kim

        No further comment…

        April 11, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    • No, no, please, knock yourself out, friend. We won’t judge. At all.

      May 5, 2015 at 11:34 am

  4. GreyRok

    You don’t know how long this has plagued me! Finally, a safe place to talk about this burden I’ve borne all my life. I basically can’t wear shorts. Thank you for understanding my plight. 😏

    April 8, 2015 at 9:26 pm

  5. behinddoublelenses


    April 9, 2015 at 11:13 am

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