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Happy New Year, You Are Broke And Single

Well, yeah, its not like you aren’t.

So 2013 is here! So far, so awesome. For me. Maybe just because its a year to start over. New book new page and all that cliche nonsense we say every beginning of the year like some retarded parrot. So you probably think that you’re done with all the toxins of last year, you think you’ve left them there. And you know what, you have. You have left them there to fester and probably leak in to 2013 like bad things people and decisions always seem to do. Don’t you realize that? Of course you don’t, that’s why every new years you’re filled with blind hope and optimism. While those totally cynical pessimists like myself have raised a serious eyebrow at the goodness of this year. WHY? The world is horrible to me. But for now. WHOOPEEE!!!! Starting to make money, finally got enough shit together to actually trick someone into getting into a relationship with me later on in the year and my relationship with my family still sucks, but its been better than its ever been since 2008. Also hanging out with an atheist kind of actually puts a lot into perspective. I need Jesus.

But wait. Its being good to me. That means its being horrible to others right? Yes. It is. We are in some weird twilight zone where all those Praise The Lord Jesus-es (yes thats what I call you) are actually wallowing in anguish. People are all of a sudden sad. HAHA YES! I’m sorry but its normally really weird for me to be on the other side of this so I will LMAO. (said out loud)

So, you had an awesome December, posting shit all over Instagram and making some of us without smartphones or a single photogenic gene in our DNA feel like gum stuck under social medias ankle bootie. You had time to spend all your hard earned money on expensive whiskies and out of town trips, because hey, your clothing line/acting or modelling career took off in 2012 and its time the world knew just how loud youre YAAAY GOOD FOR ME is.And its all good for you. ITS December. Drinkcember. Drinksembar. Or whatever mess you people think is cool to call it now. The streets are littered with summer bunnies who have eaten GMO’s that make their skin glow and they smell of expensive perfume and money. The neighbour’s kid you never took seriously has grown up to be amazingly handsome. Like gay porn handsome. Your sibling’s friend who you crushed on can finally see your light. The commitment-phobics are inspired by the coziness of family and contemplate relationship. The ex is back in town and you have new clothes and a new look, he cant help but fall in love with you again! ITS ALL GOING GREAT!!!!

Then New Years Eve came around. Those who were still thankful for all of 2012’s great blessings were already ready with their new years eve kiss. The rest of those who were semi single throughout the year still managed to get through the NYE with a suitable semi intoxicated chips with a car and a promise of  “I’ll drop you home tomorrow baby just stay. Here, have a sip of Jameson. Baas.”

That was 2012.

2013!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! And its a Tuesday. The whole world went HAM on a Monday. So first of all you spend the next few days trying to figure out the exact date. That Tuesday (are you sure it’s not Sunday?) as you check your wallet and are so elated to find 200 bob just so that you can buy that Redbull but oh shit its 210 and Musyoka isn’t cutting you slack for shit. But no matter. Youre still mangied i.e. still drunk (maji) + the weird oncoming hangover (hangie). So you upload your Facebook photos and lol with those who were with you and are still going through the mangie with you.Then pass out on the couch, but not before you exhaustedly update “HAPPY NEW YEAR! Hope 2013 will bring the same joys 2012 had. Mwaaaah!”

Then you wake up.

This will start happening, in no particular order:

  1. You realize you were too busy drinking and partying outside and notice that you only have an onion, dhana jeera (which you have no idea how to use) and some mouldy looking flour (WTF flour goes bad??? -yes, yes motherfucker it does) Ketchup packets, salt from KFC, napkins — you’ve taken advantage of everything given for free at fast food joints and don’t intend on paying for condiments ever again.
  2. You made a couple of rich friends when you were rich, but you actually aren’t. You’re a broke motherfucker with no idea how to spend your money but you see they do, and expect the fun to continue till they die of alcohol poisoning or run out of money, in their case the latter probably happening in 2017. This is the perfect time to lose these friends. These people will start to boo you and start saying that you’re not as spontaneous as you were and thus delete your number, but in actuality you’re simply unable to fund any type of adventure that you didn’t have adequate time to prepare for financially.And by prepare, I mean take an M-Shwari loan but you already did that, and Safaricom is about to start calling. And even if you slightly can afford it, you craftily schedule dinners and outings with friends to take place during happy hours. Broke ass.
  3. Paying for shit with handfuls of loose change and arguing with Musyoka to reduce the price of the sukuma that was 10 bob last week “na hata ona, ni chafu.”

And a shitload of other things. Oh but dont wait, youre also single. You as you partied senselessly, you were always too hungover or “im sorry babe i’m in Embu I know sorry so random ILY byeeee” then mybe a drunk dial at 2 am with girls giggling in the background and you lie and say “lemme just call you back.” This significant other has spent her nights either waiting for you to call back or online reading online articles that convince her that she deserves better. And just like that, you were thrown into a bag of 2012, and that guy that you never worried about because “ah, si shes friendzoned him” has gone straight ino the pile of 2013. Youre done for, Then you start hearing “everything happens for a reason” a lot more than anyone wants to hear this, which is never. (No one wants to hear this. EVER!!!!! What is the reason for Kim Kardashian’s existence? None!!!!) You start to notice that every song on the radio is talking about love, and also realise that the worlds most popular whore has found a rich man is pregnant and is going to reproduce before you even have a pregnancy scare. You end up sleeping alone, when everyone is loving each other, and you cant even afford comfort food, because, broke.

HAHA!!!! I laugh at your pain. But dont worry, I have at least 5 solutions. You’ll be fine. Just come lie on Olivia’s bosom as she tells you just how you can fix 2013.

KILL YOURSELF! I am not going to help you, remain miserable. That’s the only way 2013 seems to be working out for me. HA!



7 responses

  1. Those men on gay porn are just so beautiful, I find it hard to even begin comprehending.

    January 7, 2013 at 12:38 pm

  2. Babadimples

    *slow clap* Beautiful!! Beautiful!! too much!

    January 7, 2013 at 12:58 pm

  3. kenyancoffee

    Height of njaanuary is me in a restaurant asking for water only to be told that ‘only bottled water’ exists.
    I quip ” Hakuna ata ya mvua?”

    January 7, 2013 at 2:02 pm

  4. sema bhangi ? Hehe

    January 7, 2013 at 3:44 pm

  5. DontCallMeLiv

    Hahahaha. Thats just sad. Then again picture two girls too broke to buy soda so they drank the soda left behind by Wazungus on the next table. Njaanuary hasnt hit YOU yet.

    January 7, 2013 at 7:12 pm

  6. ilukuya

    LMFAO you should see how liv has tagged her post

    January 8, 2013 at 11:03 am

  7. Pingback: Stuck | melanie's blog

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