We don't bite…unless you're into that sort of thing


The Bear Edge

I’ve started to lose my edge. I’m mellowing out. I’m treating people better and looking at things from their point of view. Looking at them like fellow human beings with valid feelings and emotions that I can relate to. It’s making me sick. I have been contaminated by all the humanity around me despite my best efforts. I didn’t want to do this, but I have no choice but to take drastic measures to erase this moral growth. I am getting a teddy bear.


Has anything looked more terrifying?

What else can remind me of the abundant stupidity of humanity than it’s inclination to present a murderous machine of claws, teeth and death as a fluffy, cuddly children’s toy? What other reminder people’s lack of self-preservation do you need than the feelings of tenderness that arise in them and the hugs they readily dish out when they see this crude voodoo doll of a literal monster. What other species has evolved to train their young that a rough likeness of a predator is something to be cherished? Clearly mankind is social engineering its own demise when this is what our offspring are raised to adore.

But more than that, the reason a teddy bear will keep me on edge has less to do with what it symbolises and everything to do with their looks.

With their never blinking beady eyes that stare right into your soul. Their blank expressions that give no indications as to what might be going on in their wooly brains. Their ability to keep forever still, and yet to never be exactly where you left them. Night after night, they allow themselves to be held close by children and adults, never complaining about how hard they are squeezed or how roughly they are handled. Just watching. Always watching.

But I know better. I see the malice against us building up in those unblinking plastic discs they have for eyes. And the longer they wait, the more sinister and diabolical are the plans that they lay for the utter annihilation of the human species, if not the world.

“So how does getting a teddy bear help you keep your edge?” you ask with the kind of sharp wit a brick wall would look down upon.

It’s blindingly obvious. I will have one to keep my eye on. To keep me vigilant. By keeping the enemy close, I will have a constant reminder of not only the threat that comes from them, but also that mankind isn’t worth saving because it can’t see what is so glaringly self-evident. And there is no need to care for what can’t be saved. And while the teddy bear might think of me as unsuspecting prey, it’ll serve me as an early warning system for when the takeover starts. When it rises up to take my life, all I’ll have to say to it is…


DNFTB The Podcast Episode 02: #NotAllGods

photo496911095080003646Religious belief is something that is sensitive to most people. It provides a guiding light for their actions and motivation to see them through the tough times.

If there is one thing that should be clear by now, the crew here at DNFTB are all extremely, deeply religious. In our own very special and personal ways. We have a faith that is rooted firmly in the sarcasm organs of our souls. So deeply personal are our convictions that they never show up in this episode. Millions of people believing in the Old Voyeur In The Sky doesn’t stop us from exploring the good, old fashioned gambling, incest, rape, (possibly) the first instance of victim blaming and unfortunate comparisons.

Prepare your souls, the righteous DNFTB fires have come to cleanse you minions!

Jidenna: A Classic Man’s Video Problem

Jidenna walks into conference room for a meeting with Mary, the video creative director.


Mary: Hi, Nice suit.

Jidenna: Thank you.

Mary: It looks familiar. It’s the one you wore to the BET awards isn’t it?

Jidenna: What? No. I threw that away. I wouldn’t wear a suit twice. Goodness me.

Mary: Wait, you’re trying to tell me you don’t ever ever repeat a suit?

Jidenna: Well…there’s the one I wear to funerals.

Mary: Really? That’s the one you don’t replace?

Jidenna: I mean…the people there are either dead or grieving. And it has to be black like everybody elses. They won’t be able to appreciate it.

Mary: I…You know what, let’s get down to business. We need to discuss the idea for Janelle’s Yoga video.

Jidenna: What have you got for me?

Mary: I was thinking we’re going full on with this yoga theme. You’ll be a yoga instructor and…

Jidenna: Wait, what do Yoga instructors wear?

Mary: T-shirts and yoga shorts or…

Jidenna: T shirts and Yoga Shorts? Is that like an ironic name for some kind of spring line-up? Sounds like something Canali or Tom Ford would do. “With the ‘T-shirts and Yoga shorts’ suits, feel lax but look immaculate”.

Mary: No just plain old t-shirts and yoga shorts. I’m sorry Jidenna…are you choking?

Jidenna: … Shorts?

Mary: Maybe not shorts, sweatpants maybe?

Jidenna: Good God…

Mary: Look Jidenna, the theme is yoga…

Jidenna: I will not do this! I reject this madness.

Mary: A track suit then

Jidenna: Just because it has suit in the title does not make it a suit!

Mary: Fine…fine. Maybe we can play around with it. A suit made out of that sweatpants material.

Jidenna: You’re trying to kill me.

Mary: Excuse me?

Jidenna: You were sent from Nigeria weren’t you? I should have known. They wouldn’t let a light skin get away this easily .

Mary: I don’t know what you’re talking about

Jidenna: Terrible fashion as a weapon. I never saw it coming. The cruelty. The inhumanity

Mary: Oh for the love of…ok, what do you suggest?

Jidenna: I’ll wear a suit…

Mary: ok…

Jidenna: But I’ll be in a diner.

Mary: I…what? What the hell does that have to do with Yoga?

Jidenna: A diner!

Mary: Yes?

Jidenna: Look from what I’ve heard here all you really need me to do is drop some class. Get down and dirty as it were. I’ll lower myself and actually enter a diner. Sit down even. That’s the most I’m willing to compromise.

Mary: oh my God!

Jidenna: I know. It’s brilliant.


Mary: sighs Fine. I can’t sway you. But there is one other thing.

Jidenna: Yes?

Mary: The classic man remix video. Some people…*cough* some people seem to think you’re a bit stuck up.

Jidenna: Really? Why would they say that.

Mary: I …erm, have no idea. But it’s out there and we have to deal with it. We thought for the video you could do something to change opinions maybe?

Jidenna: I have the perfect idea.

Mary: You do?

Jidenna: I’ll be in this sleek white suit right….

Mary: Right…

Jidenna: Then, this is the part…I’ll go into a convenience store.


Jidenna: You know, a convenience store. An actual one. Selling…things. Junk food or whatever is in those places. Then I get an ornate type box thing and walk out.

Mary: And?

Jidenna: That’s it.

Mary: What’s the point.

Jidenna: I buy things in convenience stores…like a normal person. I’m just like everyone else. Between the diner and the convenience store – I’m a man of the people Mary. A Classic man of the people.


For Satan’s Sake

Agh, don’t do it again you stupid laptop. Don’t crash, don’t crash…Oh for Satan’s sake!”

What did you just say?”


What you said just now.”

I said ‘you stupid laptop…’”

No after that!”

I asked ‘what?’”

No, before that and after that other thing. In the middle”

I…I don’t think I said anything in the middle. Empty spot right there. It was kind of a doughnut of a sentence really.”

You said, ‘Oh, for Satan’s sake’”

Did I?”

Yeah, I heard you!”

I really doubt it. I think I’d remember saying something like that. I probably said oh for SANTA’s sake, that makes more sense.”

It really doesn’t.”

No, like you have to make Santa feel good. You invoke his name, play on his pride, that’s just how you get presents. Everybody knows that.”

No, they don’t actually.”

This is why you don’t get presents at Christmas”



Are you secretly a Satanist.”

“A SANTA-ist?”

A satanist! A devil worshipper.”

A…What? That accusation is ridiculous, absurd, insane, offensive -”

You always string on adjectives when you’re lying.”

Ok fine but it’s not what you think.”

Kevin, I just discovered you’re an undercover satanist…it would be an incredible feat if I actually had premade thoughts on the matter.”

I’m going to explain myself anyway.”


Listen. This is for all you people judging me right now. I’m not exactly a Satanist. I’m a token Satanist. You know those religious people who are only religious when it’s suitable to what they want to do or when they’re in trouble? Yeah, it’s like that. And I figure as long as you’re going to half ass a religion, you might as well pick one with advantages. Amirite? Somehow I doubt you’re cheering me on. But that’ll change.

Let me give you a quick lesson in Satanism (that you probably don’t want but are too curious to ignore). While some groups of people have something like say… the 10 commandments, we have the 11 Satanic rules. It’s our backbone, more or less. What are these rules?

Rule one: Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

Right? How many times have you said this? I’m willing to bet it’s at least every damn week. You know why? Because you my friend are a Satanist at heart and you should embrace it. But I don’t expect you to rush into it. I know you’re still unconvinced. So…

Rule Two: Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

That hit a spot didn’t it? You want to tell half the people in your contacts this, don’t you? We Satanist get you. We’re really not as bad as you think. Two rules in and it’s like we read your mind (We didn’t…not really anyway).

Rule Three: When in another’s lair, show them respect or else do not go there.

You want to cheer but you won’t because you’re a good [insert appropriate religious affiliation here] but it’s really just common sense. Yeah, we’ll use words like Lair here and there but that’s just tradition. It’s nothing to think about. Our rules just make sense and it’s undeniable.

Now, you’re thinking, what’s the catch?

I won’t lie to you, there is one. We’re not hippies. We’re Satanist. That’s to say we actually do have a dark side. We have rules like:

Rule Four: If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat them cruelly and without mercy.

But think about it. It makes sense doesn’t it? You come to my house and annoy me and then EXPECT mercy? Come on. Not cool. You deserve what happens next. Respect. The. Lair. It’s not much to ask.

However, if you’re hedging because of that, remember:

Rule Five: Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal

Boom! You see that? Satanists for consent. No means no. Even we Satanists know that. It’s right there in our main rules.

Rule Six: Do not take that which does not belong to you, unless it is a burden to the other person and they cry out to be relieved.

Thy shall not steal unless that stealing will help the other person. Only steal your neighbours burdens. You see? We’re really nice once you get to know us.

Rule Seven: Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

I mean, what kind of ass denies magic after using it to succeed at life? Who? Magic has feelings. Don’t be a dick. But, If magic screws you over then feel free to detest it and it’s users. (See Mr. Filch in Harry Potter).

Rule Eight: Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

Are you getting convinced? I mean, he’s no saint but Motivational Speaker Lucifer knows what’s up. He get’s to the hard hitting issues with that bite of reality.

Rule Nine: Do not harm little children.

Yeah. You hear that you folks who don’t spare the rod? Hey kids. Convert your slipper wielding parents to Satanism. We don’t tolerate that crap.

Rule Ten: Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

Satanists against poaching.

Rule Eleven: When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.

Satanists against street harassment.

I hope I have educated you on our ways and convinced you to join our ranks. We’re really nice. And we throw the best parties. No, really. You have no idea. You haven’t been to a party until you wake up and you’re not sure if that’s a hangover or you’re just possessed.

PS: The information and views set out in this publication are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the values of Do Not Feed The Bloggers.

This disclaimer exists largely because the Church of Satan has asked to be distanced from DNFTB as we are in their words “decadent, valueless and lacking even a shred of conscience.” They have requested we inform you that though their member has written for us, you should not assume that we have corrupted him to our lost ways. The Church of Satan is after all, a decent organization of fine standing, very unlike DNTFB. If you are a follower of the filth that is DNTFB, The Church of Satan would like you to know that they are willing to save your lost soul. All you need do is sign it away to the devil for safe keeping.


Hello there demented people of the world. It’s been quite a while since I last actively showed my angry presence in these parts. I take it that you have missed me because let’s face, you are obligated to. Fear not, however, I’m back.

Now, as expected of me, I am an avid browser of reddit. I go there every single day. It’s excellent for procrastination. Drafting legal documents can be quite the bore. I sometimes really ask myself why I chose to do this degree, but truthfully, it’s the only degree I actually could do, but I digress. (Un)fortunately, had to downgrade from 4chan. There can only be so many fucked-up-beyond-redemption writers here at a given time. (Also, my 4chan days were dark, dark times in my life. Second and Third years in law school weren’t kind to me).

One of my favourite subreddits to brows is BBP, or Big Boob Problems. It’s very comforting to know that there are other ladies out there who share the same every day struggles as I do: selling your whole family and mortgaging your parents’ house to buy a bra, having things lost in my boobs, underboob sweat, cringing as you walk down the stairs, every single top you buy having to be adjusted, OMG buttons refusing to close on shits, rants, etc etc. Kwanza wewe Olivia have you ever gone there? You really should. (They also provide great resources and great places to buy bras. If you’ll consider selling your grandma to buy a bra, it better be a goddamn fantastic bra).

Let me even tell you a story so that you can truly see how real this struggle is. Early last year I walked into a shop, which I won’t say to be polite (Woolworths Sarit) to look for a couple of bras. As in I hadn’t even lifted my hand to check out the sizes and the mama that was standing there just takes one look at me and says “I’m sorry, I don’t think we stalk your size”. I’m telling you I was so offended. This bitch didn’t even know what goddamn size I was and she already decided that they didn’t stock my size?! I couldn’t even bring myself to complain. I just walked out and went and ate greasy food. So fucking rude.
So yesterday evening, I came across a sub called BDP, aka Big Dick Problems. I was very amused, because this sub was kinda like BBP, but for men. I clicked on one of the links and it was about a well-endowed gentleman telling a story about how he was hospitalised and hospital gowns are not exactly…discreet. Another link was about a guy who saw bananas that could only have come from Uganda and was saying how big they were and even he felt a bit inadequate (tihihi). I even discovered a test. A test.

At this point I was grinning like a mongoloid because oh my God this test was just…very, very entertaining. It’s called the toilet paper roll test. How it works is, you take the roll and cut it at your insertiable length (I have no idea WTF that is) and I think you use how tight it fits around your cock as a representation of how thick you are. On average, the roll is about 5.5” girth apparently, and this dude (and other blokes on this sub) was (were? What is English?) bigger than that. They were even saying how they now respect women that give/had given them head.

So my mum walks in on me with my mouth agape and covered and I’m giggling like a school girl and she decides for the sake of her sanity its best she doesn’t ask. Ignoring the shade she was throwing, I told her what I’d discovered and she had a look of appalled confusion on her face as I continued gleefully browsing through BDP and kind of relating to the struggles these poor blokes go through. (Mum once told me she’s already feeling sorry for the poor bloke that’ll shackle his soul to me. Clearly she doesn’t know I’m friends with Aggrey). Poor guys have problems finding condoms that fit them, LOL. I think most of our West African brothers should sub to this sub.

To conclude, I strongly recommend this sub. It’s really weirdly educational. And entertaining. Please go look at it. Please. It’s worth it. I promise.

Establishing Dominance In The Workplace

Just like in prison, your hierarchy in the workplace can mean the difference between good living or spending your time as everyone’s doormat. This has little to do with your actual position, but everything to do with your place in the eyes of your fellow inmates/coworkers.
There is no magic formula that can guarantee alpha status but here at DNFTB, we are committed to giving our devout converts helpful hints that will set them on their way to successful brainwashing and joining of our cult happiness. In no particular order, they are:

Step 1: Always maintain eye contact.
This is very common advice, but the most common mistake is that people are too afraid to take it to the next level. Truly committing to maintaining constant eye contact is what it means to be top dog.
What does next level mean? It means staring directly into someone’s eyeholes while you’re both at the urinal. The fact that you can pee while still holding your coworker’s gaze shows your confidence in the control you have over your bodily functions and that you’re not ashamed of it, unlike most others. If you’re using the stalls, leave the door open so everyone can admire your excreting technique and learn that you have transcended the base concept of shame and are no longer under its power. When they see you seated on that throne, looking straight into the windows of their souls, the only feeling they’ll get (apart from nausea and after complete disgust) is a grudging respect for doing what they have no hope of ever pulling off.

Step 2: Constant nipple play and/or crotch massaging
Most people hate their jobs and all they want to do is suffer through the 8-9 hours of grinding slog to get back to their “real” lives. But for the alpha, pleasure in your work is a constant. And the pleasure is not just intellectual or emotional, it is also sexual. Constantly playing with your nipples while hard at work (pun intended) is a sign of above and beyond commitment to your job. If you’re still not feeling the connection, try rubbing your hand over your crotch for that extra sensual stimulation. Do this during meetings and when having conversations with your colleagues to display that extra level of engagement. Showing just how much you enjoy the work you’re doing is not only a great way to find enjoyment at the office, it is also a surefire way to impress your higher ups. Even they don’t enjoy their work that much, I can guarantee.

Step 3: Make your presence felt
Storm into board meetings demanding to see the quarterly reports. Barge into client presentations to vouch for the integrity of the sales team. Offer unsolicited advice whenever you come across people deep in conversation. Kiss everyone on the cheek (gotta be respectful), no matter how many times you run into them. Come into work on casual Fridays with a full suit, only bottomless. Whether you choose to wear your special lace panties or go commando is up to you. These are just a few ways to make sure you’re on everyone’s mind. The alpha’s presence in a room is always obvious, but there’s no harm in being blatant about it, just for the benefit of the few numbskulls who can’t take a hint. This also helps to reinforce your dominance with the rest of the pack. Show them that you’re the only cat in this rat race.

While definitely not comprehensive, applying these few steps to your daily professional life can lead a long way. It’s all about mixing them up and coming up with your own style of implementation that suits you. Ham fisted application will only lead you to rubbing people the wrong way. Whether it’s sexually harassing the janitor to show workplace enjoyment, or blackmailing your supervisor with pictures of him and his mistress to make your presence felt, make sure to put your own personal spin on it. Be the most stand out individual you can be. This is what being an alpha is all about. Success will follow naturally.

Ice Buckets and ALS: Part Deux

About a week ago (cue shmoney dance), Rigathi was dragged into the ALS Ice Bucket challenge and being the charitable bastard that he is, he decided to drag me down with him.

So here’s the video of me doing the challenge. 

NB: My pre-emptive defense for the little girl scream is “GODDAMN THAT WATER WAS COLD!” Do that challenge and see if you wouldn’t shriek.


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